Paragraphs and sentence structure; you should use them.
@FloatingFatMan
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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Paragraphs and sentence structure; you should use them.
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Mesa thinks I used paragraphs in the last bit...only one problem now 
Then I suggest you learn some basic rules of the English language.
@FloatingFatMan
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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Then I suggest you learn some basic rules of the English language.
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Cut me some slack, I was posting it at midnight, was living off 3 bottles of Lucozade to keep me awake...
Then perhaps get someone to proof read for you? Sorry, but these are basic rules you would have learned when you were in junior school!
Tell you what, I'll rewrite it for you to show you what I mean.
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Chapter 1
Lab 6
Once again, Alexander Detrich went into the lab. It was Saturday; another simple day at work and he muttered softly to himself as he walked through the corridors. Nobody else worked on a Saturday, except William of course; the lab's flunky. He failed in everything that the lab sent him to do, but you had to feel sorry for the kid. He worked 7 days a week, and was paid minimum wage.
Alexander slowly walked into lab six, and shut the door behind him. Moving over to a locked cabinet, he unlocked it carefully, checking for signs of tampering as he did so, and opened the doors. Inside, several sealed jars rested, filling with a mixture of chemicals, his discovery.
A strange smell permeated the air as he unsealed one of the bottles, not unlike the smell of hot ash, and Alexander wrinkled his nose. He wasn't completely sure what caused the odour, after all; none of the compounds he'd used had a similar odour.
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There, see? Much easier to read and understand. I eliminated the part with William because it was totally superfluous, and indeed, the question made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I suggest you look up what the properties of Mercury are, as no scientist would ask such a daft question.
It also had several problems in it which weren't exactly easy to fix. Such as how did Alexander know it was William knocking at the door before answering it? What authority does Alex have to ask what Will was doing out of his lab, if he's just a lab flunky?
The piece needs a lot more to it also; where you left it, and indeed where I left it also, is pretty much still at the very start of whatever is going on. This isn't a chapter; it's not even a page. Before posting, you need to give your stories some kind of substance, some reason to make the reader WANT to come back to read more, and your story doesn't have ANY of that.
I suggest that before you post any more fiction, you actually finish it first. At the very least, write a complete chapter, giving each a proper closing or break point, rather just leaving it dangling nowhere.
@FloatingFatMan
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
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This isn't a chapter; it's not even a page.
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I've read a lot of books where a chapter doesn't even fill a page. So it can be considered a chapter. I do agree with everything else you have said though. 
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This isn't a chapter; it's not even a page.
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I've read a lot of books where a chapter doesn't even fill a page. So it can be considered a chapter. I do agree with everything else you have said though.
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/signed.
I think this has a lot of potential, to be honest, but I think that taking on-board FFM's comments would be a good thing.
If you want to read a large selection of stories written by your fellow board members, in a variety of styles and skills, take a look at the IC Story Thread in the Roleplaying board.
The wisdom of Shadowe: Ghostraptor: The Shadowe is wise ...; FFM: Shadowe is no longer wise.
; Techbot_Alpha: Also, what Shadowe said. It seems he is still somewhat wise ; Bull Throttle: Shadowe was unwise in this instance...; Rock_Powerfist: in this instance Shadowe is wise.; Techbot_Alpha: Shadowe is very wise *nods*; Zortel: *Quotable line about Shadowe being wise goes here.*
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Then perhaps get someone to proof read for you? Sorry, but these are basic rules you would have learned when you were in junior school!
Tell you what, I'll rewrite it for you to show you what I mean.
*********************************************
Chapter 1
Lab 6
Once again, Alexander Detrich went into the lab. It was Saturday; another simple day at work and he muttered softly to himself as he walked through the corridors. Nobody else worked on a Saturday, except William of course; the lab's flunky. He failed in everything that the lab sent him to do, but you had to feel sorry for the kid. He worked 7 days a week, and was paid minimum wage.
Alexander slowly walked into lab six, and shut the door behind him. Moving over to a locked cabinet, he unlocked it carefully, checking for signs of tampering as he did so, and opened the doors. Inside, several sealed jars rested, filling with a mixture of chemicals, his discovery.
A strange smell permeated the air as he unsealed one of the bottles, not unlike the smell of hot ash, and Alexander wrinkled his nose. He wasn't completely sure what caused the odour, after all; none of the compounds he'd used had a similar odour.
*********************************************
There, see? Much easier to read and understand. I eliminated the part with William because it was totally superfluous, and indeed, the question made absolutely no sense whatsoever. I suggest you look up what the properties of Mercury are, as no scientist would ask such a daft question.
It also had several problems in it which weren't exactly easy to fix. Such as how did Alexander know it was William knocking at the door before answering it? What authority does Alex have to ask what Will was doing out of his lab, if he's just a lab flunky?
The piece needs a lot more to it also; where you left it, and indeed where I left it also, is pretty much still at the very start of whatever is going on. This isn't a chapter; it's not even a page. Before posting, you need to give your stories some kind of substance, some reason to make the reader WANT to come back to read more, and your story doesn't have ANY of that.
I suggest that before you post any more fiction, you actually finish it first. At the very least, write a complete chapter, giving each a proper closing or break point, rather just leaving it dangling nowhere.
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1. Junior school? That's not even right. It's not even British or American. It's called...urm...primary school.
2. He was a flunky, flunkies are supposted to be stupid. Yes, it was a daft question...but he was supposted to be stupid.
3. If you saw someone out of work and chatting to their colleagues when they were supposted to be working, wouldn't you ask them to get back to their work?
4. As has been said a chapter doesn't need to be a page and all, I've read books where chapters are half a page, and even shorter.
5. At the start of the book do you really expect 150 pages, it's a introduction to the story, when you read a story you get the details of who the people are and a taster of what might happen in the rest of the story, think of it as the first step.
I am trying to take your advice on board, but it feels a bit problematic because of what I've just said ^.
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1. Junior school? That's not even right. It's not even British or American. It's called...urm...primary school.
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In Scotland yes. In many areas of England too. But the Junior School label is used in many places down south.
It's a promising story. I actually quite liked it, in a Golden-agey comic book kind of way. Keep writing.
"Idealism is such a wonderful thing. All you really need is someone rational to put it to proper use." - Kerr Avon
Myopic Aardvark on Twitter
I enjoyed it. Don't think a rewrite was necessary though :/ Tweaking yes, complete rewrite no.
Keep going, Phantoms.
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1. Junior school? That's not even right. It's not even British or American. It's called...urm...primary school.
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In Scotland yes. In many areas of England too. But the Junior School label is used in many places down south.
It's a promising story. I actually quite liked it, in a Golden-agey comic book kind of way. Keep writing.
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Funny I live in Scotland and we call it primary school.
Also in the national news for all of Britain they call it primary and secondary schools.
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1. Junior school? That's not even right. It's not even British or American. It's called...urm...primary school.
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In Scotland yes. In many areas of England too. But the Junior School label is used in many places down south.
It's a promising story. I actually quite liked it, in a Golden-agey comic book kind of way. Keep writing.
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Funny I live in Scotland and we call it primary school.
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Try reading the post before responding. I was agreeing with you!
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Also in the national news for all of Britain they call it primary and secondary schools.
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Uh huh. Again, no denying that fact, but a lot of schools, particularly in the south of England are known as Junior schools.
"Idealism is such a wonderful thing. All you really need is someone rational to put it to proper use." - Kerr Avon
Myopic Aardvark on Twitter
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1. Junior school? That's not even right. It's not even British or American. It's called...urm...primary school.
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In Scotland yes. In many areas of England too. But the Junior School label is used in many places down south.
It's a promising story. I actually quite liked it, in a Golden-agey comic book kind of way. Keep writing.
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Funny I live in Scotland and we call it primary school.
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Try reading the post before responding. I was agreeing with you!
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Also in the national news for all of Britain they call it primary and secondary schools.
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Uh huh. Again, no denying that fact, but a lot of schools, particularly in the south of England are known as Junior schools.
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It's really pointless to argue about it, Scotland and some parts of England call it primary and some other parts of England call it Junior. I was just pointing out that to call it Junior school is a bit confusing.
Anyway, sorry for not reading your post correctly.
Overall the start of the story is good. There is a hook there to keep the reader going and Detrich is likeable (from the little we see). Looking forward to reading more.
A couple of general editing points:
There is a change in the writing style which Id recommend you avoid. At the start you are writing from the point of view of Detrich and then a few sentences later you talk directly to the reader ( But you had to feel sorry for the kid.). While this can be done, and Ive read some really good stuff that moves between first and third person, it can confuse the reader some what.
Getting people to read things is more difficult than getting them to look at pictures. Because of this it tends to be a good idea to make sure the story and the formatting are easy to read. Anything that gets in the way will just mean the reader gets bored and wanders off. I would certainly advise that you use paragraphs.
Here we go!
Chapter 2: A New Idenity, Part I
Alexander Detrich slowly felt the chemicals he had been hiding. Drips of water came out. There was nothing else but the plain feel of simple waterm, mixed with the ash he smelt. In all colours the chemicals were - blue, red, green, orange, black, white, and others.
Meanwhile, William opened the door to his lab - Lab 11 - and lo and behold, his new secret "project" was there. A dead man lay in the giant tank. The "project" seemed idle, but then its head moved. William had never seen this before. It was turning...alive. (homage to Frankenstein, there)
Meanwhile, Alexander picked up one of his chemicals. He had to balance it very carefully. If that thing spilt - who knows what would happen?
Alexander took the chemical and sat it on the experementing table. He was shaking.
But then something dramatic would change his life forever.
A drip of the chemical landed on his foot. Alex's upper lip went up high, as he didn't know what to do with a drip of the chemical on his foot.
Slowly, he put the chemical down, and clicked his teeth together. This was his sign of saying "oh, nuts".
Comment, critize, etc etc! 
Bit of a thread revival, but...
Chapter 3: A New Idenity, Part II
The horror that had faced Alex was unbearable. He had no knowledge, no insight, into what this was going to do. He slowly opened the door to get outside his lab, and looked a picture of the hero he wanted to be like. Positron. A great hero, a legend. He was undoubtedly one of the best in the world...that's why he was in the Freedom Phalanx. But Alex could not become that.
He went over to William's lab to tell him what had happened. Then, Alex opened the door to a shocking sight. A project had - killed - William. It can out of a giant testing tube. His "behind the scenes" creation had caused his own death. His heart was pulled out and the project eyed at Alexander. He then ran outside of the lab into the fresh open air.
Nothing could stop what happened that day; nothing dared come out of the lab. The eerie project lay there on the floor, sleeping. It let out a whine as it lost all its energy fighting William.
Soon, a hero known as Astral Outburst approached Alexander. "Hello there, Alexander Detrich. I have seen what has happened to you. I have watched your movements for years...now your heroic life will begin. Follow me, I will show you," Astral Outburst stated. Alexander began following Astral Outburst in a confused manner. He didn't know what to expect...
Yeah, so do once again and comment on this chapter. Part III will be up soon.
... Well, I promised GR that I wouldn't comment on these anymore, but... I just HAVE too; sorry GR!
Phantoms, PLEASE don't take this as anything but constructive criticism, OK? I'm NOT trying to get at you, or put you down, or anything. I just want to try to help you become a better writer.
OK, that said, I have to ask... Have you actually sat down and read this yourself? I have a feeling that what you've actually written doesn't bear much resemblance to what you're trying to get across. Sorry, but the whole thing is very disjointed, confusing, and well... Just not particularly intelligible to the reader.
At the end of part 1, we go from a drip of this chemical on your characters foot (I'm presuming he's wearing shoes), to at the start of part 2 with him being terrified of what happened. How is a drop of some chemical scary? You said that he didn't know what it would do, presumably nothing as it landed on his shoe rather than his skin, so why is he terrified?
The bit with William's death doesn't make much sense either, and the part at the end with the hero... How does Alex know this hero's name? Why would he be watching some nondescript researcher who had just spilled a drop of some new chemical on his shoe? What DID the chemical do? And who, really, ever talks like your hero does?
Again, I'm really sorry, but whilst the story you have in your head for this very likely works well, as you imagine it; when written down it just doesn't come across in any legible manner at all. As it stands, the only thing I'm left with after reading it is... confusion. I really just don't have a clue what's going on.
A few suggestions I'd like you to consider before continuing:
1. Get yourself a proof reader. Preferably someone with some experience in writing if you can, and most importantly, someone who will be HONEST with you. Without honest criticism, you will never improve.
2. You've clearly left large periods of time between writing each part, and haven't reviewed what you've written already before doing so; this makes the whole thing even more disjointed and hard to read. It's better to either write the whole thing in one sitting, and perhaps posting it a bit at a time, but finish it first; OR, make sure you properly review what you've already written before continuing.
3. Read it to yourself before posting; several times, and carefully. Don't presume that what you've actually typed is exactly what you had in your mind. Personally, I go through my stories several times, AND get them proof read, before I post them.
4. Do some reading of other peoples works in here. Look at how they construct sentences and paragraphs. Take note that when dialog is present, it's not presented in some disjointed manner, as if the speaker doesn't actually understand the language they're using, but flows naturally just like how people speak in real life.
If you have any questions, please, feel free to contact me via PM. My only aim here is to help you to become a better writer, after all.
@FloatingFatMan
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
[ QUOTE ]
... Well, I promised GR that I wouldn't comment on these anymore, but... I just HAVE too; sorry GR!
Phantoms, PLEASE don't take this as anything but constructive criticism, OK? I'm NOT trying to get at you, or put you down, or anything. I just want to try to help you become a better writer.
OK, that said, I have to ask... Have you actually sat down and read this yourself? I have a feeling that what you've actually written doesn't bear much resemblance to what you're trying to get across. Sorry, but the whole thing is very disjointed, confusing, and well... Just not particularly intelligible to the reader.
At the end of part 1, we go from a drip of this chemical on your characters foot (I'm presuming he's wearing shoes), to at the start of part 2 with him being terrified of what happened. How is a drop of some chemical scary? You said that he didn't know what it would do, presumably nothing as it landed on his shoe rather than his skin, so why is he terrified?
The bit with William's death doesn't make much sense either, and the part at the end with the hero... How does Alex know this hero's name? Why would he be watching some nondescript researcher who had just spilled a drop of some new chemical on his shoe? What DID the chemical do? And who, really, ever talks like your hero does?
Again, I'm really sorry, but whilst the story you have in your head for this very likely works well, as you imagine it; when written down it just doesn't come across in any legible manner at all. As it stands, the only thing I'm left with after reading it is... confusion. I really just don't have a clue what's going on.
A few suggestions I'd like you to consider before continuing:
1. Get yourself a proof reader. Preferably someone with some experience in writing if you can, and most importantly, someone who will be HONEST with you. Without honest criticism, you will never improve.
2. You've clearly left large periods of time between writing each part, and haven't reviewed what you've written already before doing so; this makes the whole thing even more disjointed and hard to read. It's better to either write the whole thing in one sitting, and perhaps posting it a bit at a time, but finish it first; OR, make sure you properly review what you've already written before continuing.
3. Read it to yourself before posting; several times, and carefully. Don't presume that what you've actually typed is exactly what you had in your mind. Personally, I go through my stories several times, AND get them proof read, before I post them.
4. Do some reading of other peoples works in here. Look at how they construct sentences and paragraphs. Take note that when dialog is present, it's not presented in some disjointed manner, as if the speaker doesn't actually understand the language they're using, but flows naturally just like how people speak in real life.
If you have any questions, please, feel free to contact me via PM. My only aim here is to help you to become a better writer, after all.
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i can't imagine anyone would object to this. without constructive criticism, we can't grow as artists. the secret is being able to take advice on board and use it to improve our work.
i feel my own work really needs an editor, and would always welcome such an honest review.
i think the phantoms' story shows great verve and imagination, if lacking in a little polish, but that's what comes from experience. the more you do something, the better it gets (at least that's what i keep telling myself)
keep going phantoms
@Doctor Destiny
...from the Ryman League of posters
http://drdestiny.deviantart.com/
blog-thing
Ok this was constructive this time
Phantoms, you do need to work on it a bit, I found it quite confusing a touch muddled at times but don't stop, just take a second look at it.
(This should have been posted yesterday when I was spamming feedback, but for some reason I missed it. Apologies.)
A follow on with potential, I can't comment on the plot yet as it still early days, but keep posting more.
This bit starts off well with description creating some atmosphere, but then it wanders a bit. Part of me thinks it would be better to spend more time on each character, but there is also some editing that needs to be done.
Paragraph four is probably the best example of where I'd recommend changing things. The use of his name [Alexander] isn't needed as it's in the previous bit and the phrase 'experimenting table' doesn't sound authentic (I'll happily stand corrected as it's many many years since I was in any sort of lab). I'd go with something like:
Taking the chemicals, he placed them on the worktop, his hands shaking so much they caused the vials to chime as they gently struck each other.
Or:
His hands were shaking as he took the vials and placed them on the work top.
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... Well, I promised GR that I wouldn't comment on these anymore, but... I just HAVE too; sorry GR!
Phantoms, PLEASE don't take this as anything but constructive criticism, OK? I'm NOT trying to get at you, or put you down, or anything. I just want to try to help you become a better writer.
OK, that said, I have to ask... Have you actually sat down and read this yourself? I have a feeling that what you've actually written doesn't bear much resemblance to what you're trying to get across. Sorry, but the whole thing is very disjointed, confusing, and well... Just not particularly intelligible to the reader.
At the end of part 1, we go from a drip of this chemical on your characters foot (I'm presuming he's wearing shoes), to at the start of part 2 with him being terrified of what happened. How is a drop of some chemical scary? You said that he didn't know what it would do, presumably nothing as it landed on his shoe rather than his skin, so why is he terrified?
The bit with William's death doesn't make much sense either, and the part at the end with the hero... How does Alex know this hero's name? Why would he be watching some nondescript researcher who had just spilled a drop of some new chemical on his shoe? What DID the chemical do? And who, really, ever talks like your hero does?
Again, I'm really sorry, but whilst the story you have in your head for this very likely works well, as you imagine it; when written down it just doesn't come across in any legible manner at all. As it stands, the only thing I'm left with after reading it is... confusion. I really just don't have a clue what's going on.
A few suggestions I'd like you to consider before continuing:
1. Get yourself a proof reader. Preferably someone with some experience in writing if you can, and most importantly, someone who will be HONEST with you. Without honest criticism, you will never improve.
2. You've clearly left large periods of time between writing each part, and haven't reviewed what you've written already before doing so; this makes the whole thing even more disjointed and hard to read. It's better to either write the whole thing in one sitting, and perhaps posting it a bit at a time, but finish it first; OR, make sure you properly review what you've already written before continuing.
3. Read it to yourself before posting; several times, and carefully. Don't presume that what you've actually typed is exactly what you had in your mind. Personally, I go through my stories several times, AND get them proof read, before I post them.
4. Do some reading of other peoples works in here. Look at how they construct sentences and paragraphs. Take note that when dialog is present, it's not presented in some disjointed manner, as if the speaker doesn't actually understand the language they're using, but flows naturally just like how people speak in real life.
If you have any questions, please, feel free to contact me via PM. My only aim here is to help you to become a better writer, after all.
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A lot of the questions you actually ask will be answered later. I appreciate all your critisim. I haven't ventured too far into the story venue, yet: I'll try to take it on board.
Anyway, good luck on getting banned by GR
I've attempted to take on board previous advice on this. See what you think.
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Chapter 4: Hurricane Detrich
"So, Astral Outburst, what's all this senselessness?" Alexander stated.
"This is the place we like to call the Hollows," Astral Outburst replied. "For years this place has been desolate. But I must show you something. Something which that chemical did to you and how it will prevail you for the rest of your life - and the world. The weather forecast is changing for today..."
Astral Outburst conjure a hurricane of tremondous power. The amount of rain and wind was torrential. The hurricane was like the eye of a monster of the wind element. It rushed and hurried itself to the whole of Eastgate quickly, and made it quite clear that it wasn't going to be a clarious day in Eastgate.
"I'll call it Hurricane Detrich, after you." Astral Outburst stated.
"This is all well and boisterous, but what's this all about? What did that chemical do? How do I know you're called Astral Outburst? Why are you showing me your powers? (FFM ) It simply doesn't make sense." Alexander proclaimed.
Meanwhile, in the folorn lab, William's project still let out it's sickening wail; the lout itself had no idea that it's mindless intent would bring back William in quite another way...
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I have tried to take on board the advice that has been suggested so far.
Hmmmm, I think next I will do the Characters Profiles. This will hopefully give some more insight to who our characters are and what they do.
Chapter 1: Lab 6
Once again, Alexander Detrich went into the lab. It was Saturday. Another simple day at work. He muttered as he went through the corridors. Nobody else worked on a Saturday - except William, of course. The lab's flunky. He failed in everything that the lab sent him to do. But you had to feel sorry for the kid. He worked 7 days, and he was being paid minimum wage. Phantom Blue slowly walked into his lab, Lab 6. There he saw his chemicals that he had created. Nobody should know about them. They're top secret. William was knocking on the door. Alexander walked up and opened it. "Care to explain what you're doing out of lab, Will?" Alexander whispered. "Sorry, it's just a question. Do you know if mercury is tough enough to survive bullets from one of those cool pistols you get from Texas?" William stated. "Why don't you go check for yourself?" Alexander replied. William walked away. Alexander returned to Lab 6.
A strange smell was in the air. It felt...unusual. Like the burning of ash. Surely it couldn't be those chemicals? The chemicals in Lab 6?
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More coming soon, ladies and gentlemen!