Creature: A Marvellous Family Story
By
Coile,
Posted on: 2006-07-02 21:17 in Multi-Media Fan Creations
Very good action. I had no trouble at all seeing the surroundings and the hunters trying to catch their prey. There wasn't too much stuff in the way so the story flowed nicely. What I found wonderful was the sense of the thrill of the hunt.
Three technicalities that I spotted:
- It's better to write numbers in letters, mostly. 2 -> two
- They don't use commas that much in English. I know that in Finnish I'd use commas to pace the structure of the sentence but in English that is not done to nearly that extent si I have the exact same problem. The reader is expected to pause the flow of the sentence without external cues.
- In one paragraph you started to refer the creature as a "he" while it previously had been an "it". I didn't off the cuff see any clear reason for this.
By the way, short as the piece was your characters already seemed like people, not just cardboard heroes. I look forward to reading more about them.
Oh, one special commendation - there was no infodumping. All that we learned was incorporated into the story neatly. It all came natural.
Keep up the good work, mate!
Thanks for the comments 
Yes, comma usage is something I usually sort out in the second draft but this didn't have one as I wanted to get it online as soon as possible. I have written chapter two already and will be rewriting it before release. That will generally solve the silly problems like comma usage and '2' instead of 'two'.
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In one paragraph you started to refer the creature as a "he"
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Once again, something that was left in. I attempted to humanise the creature at one point but thought it too much.
Thank you for the words of encouragement and I hope I can tempt you back for the second chapter 
This is actually my second stab at fan fiction for COH. The first is still being written and will take a little while to complete. This one, however, came to me when I was writing the other and it's much shorter.
All feedback is welcomed, in fact encouraged, as is speculation as to what will happen next. I'm not sure myself
Creature
A Marvellous Family Story
Chapter One
The shape moved silently, but quickly across the rooftops, fleeing from its pursuer. Clouds of dark smoke hung around it, the trail betraying its position but in the dead of night, almost impossible to see. Behind it, a clatter could be heard as white boots half leapt and half ran from roof to roof. The shape stopped at the edge of the last roof. Below it was the street and then a short run to the train station. The bustle of commuters, even at this late hour, seamed enough to put this ungodly creature off.
Ha, nowhere to run to? Miss Marvellous shouted, stringing her bow and letting off 2 arrows filled with a noxious gas. It ducked. Well it appeared to duck. One moment it was there and the next gone. Trails of smoke led off the roof to the street below and as Mel reached the edge she saw it, in the glow of the street light, race round the corner. She shouted across the roofs. Hes coming your way! The sound of her husband echoed back. It was indistinguishable from this distance, but she knew he was not far behind.
The creature had evaded the hunter. It had heard the hunter stop. It had heard the cries from the roof as it had doubled back. Obviously this was the hunters desperation at loosing the fight. It knew it was safe.
STOP RIGHT THERE! The booming voice was in front of the creature. It stopped. It could see the hunter ahead. This one was different though. It took a while for the creature to process this. It didnt understand. It had a limited perception of the world. The universe expanded only as far as it could see. Slowly it considered the options. If this was the hunter, but it was not the hunter, then it must be, what?
A sudden noise alerted it to the presence of something else. He turned to face it and saw the hunter. He looked left and right. To his left there was the hunter and to his right there was the hunter. He saw the hunter on his right drawing a bow and at the same time, claws extended from the hunter on the left. Instinct took over. It knew which way it wanted to run and so it did.
Matt Marvellous flinched as he saw the creature leap towards him. Hed expected Mels arrow to reach it before this happened. Bearing down on him the creature lunged at the floor. For a minute Matt thought it had missed and was aiming for his counterattack when it leapt again putting its full force into knocking him backwards. Matt flew across the street, smashing into the opposite wall. The creature, taking every chance it could get, rushed around the corner, only inches away from landing in Mels net.
Running to the corner, Mel watched as, in a flash of light, the creature disappeared. She heard a grown from behind her, span round and hurried to her husbands side.
Are you alright?
Ill live. I dont know what the hells wrong with me, I should have seen that coming.
Dont beat yourself up about it.
It killed a young girl. Not much older than our Matts head raised, anger and tears in his eyes. He managed to catch himself as he looked at his wife. She was sobbing. She cradled her head in her hands as she sank, dejectedly to the floor. He moved towards her and they embraced. He wanted to comfort his wife. Well find her. He said; but he wasnt sure whom he was trying to convince.
To be continued...