i will post part two soon if people like this one
sorry about the spelling and grammer people, i was in a hurry and i didnt really get a chance to proof read it.
hey comon someone can atleast comment on this or is it so horrible no one will even read it.
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hey comon someone can atleast comment on this or is it so horrible no one will even read it.
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No its not bad in the awful sense it just lack any plot development right now. I dont know what to say. You havent told much of a story at this point. I suspect the lack of comments comes on the due to the lack of forward motion in the plot. At this point is a bit like stopping the movie right after the opening credits then asking for comments. Right now if forced to give a comment is would say you are a little heavy on the descriptions. But it really hard to tell much with what you have provided. Please post the next section of your story and I will be more than happy to give you a better critique.
Hello, im writing a story about my character bokura, here is the start, enjoy...
Bokura found the way to the end of the hall, as the hall turns left at the end of the long hallway there was a single door. The left wall was blank with white paint, to the right, about half way down the hallway there was an- open door, faint sounds of breathing could be heard from within. Bokura looked the way he had come, a sense of calmness struck him. He peered to look straight down the hallway where he was heading, the hairs on his arm rose, shaking; he swallowed, trying to hide his fear. He took a step forward, freezing, the door at the end getting further away and the one in the middle getting closer. Bokura took some deep breaths closed his eyes and began to walk forward, opened them, and started to run. Sprinting as fast as he could, the middle door coming up fast the thing that was lurking inside breathing, panting. Excitement rose as bokura reached the door. The monster inside began to take form. Bokura tried to keep looking forward but couldnt resist, the temptation, what it might be peaked bokura interest. So, he had to look but as soon as he did he knew it was a mistake. As though time froze he recognized the thing inside the door and in a instance it was gone. Bokura passing the door, eyes dropping to the floor he continued. Finally arriving at the last door he stopped, taking a look back he noticed the middle door was now closed, a tear found its way out of his eyes, whipping it off he turned back around, reached his hand out to turn the knob
"Bok, Bok BOKURA, wake up buddy." Raintorn sat aside bokuras body. Bokura was lifeless, barely breathing. Raintorn looked up at the sky three raindrops fell on bokuras body. Bokuras eyes quickly opened and gasped for air. "About time buddy."
Bokura was breathing heavily, nearly out of breath he asks "how long", bokuras eyes never left the ground, but he did begin breathing normal again.
Bokura looked down at the floor closed his eyes and a single tear found its way out of bokuras eye. He then pulled his legs closer to him and began to shake " I couldnt save him I recognized him this time.
Raintorn sat down next to bokura, and put his arm around him trying to ease the pain "it was father wasnt it?" bokura remained silent then nodded his head. Raintorn kept looking at the sky, he found comfort when looking at the newly formed rain clouds.
Bokura was still shaking "two years" bokura closed his eyes and shook his newly formed fist. "Hes been dead for two years, why am I being tormented with this nightmare, rain?
Rain didnt know what to say, so, he remained silent, tears escaped his eye as he became surrounded by memories of his father. Just then rantorns phone rang "hello, oh hey, hey its kinda a bad time, how urgent, are you sure, ok, we will be there right away." Rain hung up, and began to stare into the sky.
Bokura had his head plowed into his legs. "Who was that" Bokura asked
"Lady liberty herself," rain remained quiet for a moment "she wants to meet with us and the rest of our team, she also said she has a very urgent mission for us" bokura made no sound or movement. Rain looked around then to the sky again. "Bok, look, if you dont want to go." Bokura quickly stood up and whipped the tears from his eyes.
"Ill go" he was hesitant but continued " I just have something to do first" he looked towards the heavens and added very faintly "Im going to visit the grave"
Raintorn was still sitting. Finally standing up, he nods and says, "ok meet me and the others at liberty square Bok, good luck." With that be being said he crouched down and a ring of light circles his waist and lowered to the ground. He looked over at bokura and smiled. He jumped, but, it was long and higher than any normal jump, he landed about half way up the building on a window seal. Hanging on, he balanced himself and lunged off the window to the top of the fourteen-story building.
Bokuras eyes followed him over and across the building. His eyes found the ground again and he walked out of the ally way. The graveyard was around fifteen to twenty yards away.
Bokura walked slowly down the sidewalk, his hands in his pocket, not once taking his eyes from the ground. For such a big city there was a lack of cars on the road. Off in the distance a faint sound could be heard. The slur sounded kinda like a faint b. Bokura didnt think too much of it, recent events kinda drowned out sound. Just then bokura felt a large thump on the back of his head, bokura turned to find a rock, and then looked up to see who threw it.
"How dare you ignore me, Big B." it was a young girl about fourteen or fifteen years old. Bokura looked at her and smiled. She spoke again, hey I took allot of effort tracking you down, B, the least you can do is say hi, or wave, or at least do something." The girl started taping her food.
Bokura remained smiling, trying to hide his current feelings. "Heh, Im sorry; Cel, hey, didnt liberty call you down?" the girls name was Celexema, she stopped taping her foot.
Celexema looked puzzled and asked questionably, "yeah, Bok, but thats that way, why are you going this way?" her puzzled look never left as she pointed in the opposite direction.
thats what i have so far, if you like it, i will write more...
if you have any questions email me at yamisanosuke@yahoo.com