jchinds

This was supposed to go up about a week and a half ago, but computer problems led to my using the backup computer instead of my normal one. So, I'm sure the discussion about this idea isn't remembered by any of the Cape listeners. If you do remember though, thanks for the inspiration.

((Much love to Lunar Eclipse and the Cape listeners for this idea.))

*The following program contains footage that was used in a court of law as evidence. Much of it is rather stupid, so we had to edit it here and there for the sake of the children. Viewer discretion is advised.*

Hephaestus 1, Larry McGonigle, and Patrolman Fang were all seated in Larry's office, shooting the breeze. Heph lounged as best he could in the overbuilt chair designed to carry his big metal frame. Fang was sitting formally in a chair, trying to avoid ruining the creases in his uniform trousers. Larry had kicked back in his office chair, his feet up on his desk.

"... and that's how I became the go-to character actor for Paragon Film Partners," Larry said as he finished his story.

"I thought it was because you posted that ad in the Paragon Free Weekly saying you'd take any acting job that counted towards Screen Actors Guild time," Fang said.

"That may have helped a little," Larry said.

The knock on the doorframe took the men out of their little bull session, all turning to look at the person coming in. The familiar faces of Mitch and Clem, Heph's long-suffering recording crew, appeared over a large box of doughnuts.

"Geeks bearing gifts!" Fang said. "We should beware, Heph."

Larry and Heph turned to look at their former partner. "Fang just made a funny. Mark that down, Lar," Heph said.

"Our little boy is growing up so fast," Larry said with a smile, dabbing melodratically at his cheeks. "I'm getting all verklempt here."

Clem looked over the doughnuts at his on-camera team. "The strike's not over, but we're sick of not working," he said. "The remaining writers'll have to figure this out on their own."

Mitch looked over at Fang. "What's with the police uniform, Fang? Going undercover as one of the Village People?"

Fang got to his feet. "I graduated from the academy. I'm a sworn police officer now."

"Congratulations," Mitch said. "We'll need to put real effort into the sidekick auditions, then."

"No need," Heph said. "I found the right guy for the job."

The discussion continued as the scene faded out. After the commercial break, footage from a home video camera appeared on the screen.

----

"All right, all right! Tonight, us three is gonna make HISTORY, bay-bee!" a voice said from off-camera. "We're gonna do somethin' no villain ever done before! An' whatta crew we got! We got Vinnie the Tooth here."

*a screen shot in grainy black and white pops of a dull-looking Family goon. The name "Vinnie the Tooth - the Muscle" appears in a flashy-looking script under the photo*

"Anybody tries ta stop us, I'll fix 'em," Vinnie said.

"Then we got our wheelman, the extraordinary Joey Lugnuts!"

*a grainy black-and-white action photo of a squinty-eyed man driving a car appears, with a caption of "Joey Lugnuts - The Transporter."*

"No one'll ever expect us ta make our getaway like we planned," Joey said. "Nobody!"

"Then we got yours truly, Regular Paulie. I run the show!" Regular Paulie said as he turned the camera to show his face.

*a photo appears of Regular Paulie's round face, done almost as a publicity headshot. "Regular Paulie - The Brains" appears under his picture.*

"The three'a us is gonna do somethin' that nobody else ever done. We're gonna hold up Pocket D!" Regular Paulie said.

----

The scene faded back to Heph and his crew. "To celebrate the return of my recording crew, I decided to put them to work. Ladies and gents, boys and girls, tonight I'm going to show you where heroes and villains meet when they want to get away from it all: Pocket D!" Heph slipped on his brand new Chicago Bears sweatshirt and walked over to a nondescript truck in a nondescript section of Skyway City. He opened it up and the three men hopped in.

"Now, I'm not showing you the real entrance to Pocket D," Heph said. "That's for heroes only, besides, it's not like I'd tell people that it's at 1040 West Addison in Chicago when everyone really thinks it's here in Paragon City. I mean, uhm, er, uh... dammit, the secret is out," Heph said. "Well, I hope that the proprietor will let me in anyway."

The crew got out of the truck after a few moments and walked into a small foyer. They went up to the head of security, who was busy looking at her clipboard.

"Hey, the name's Hephaestus 1. I'm bringing in two guests, media crew," Heph said.

"You're on the list," the security chief said. "Enjoy your stay!"

Heph and his crew got into an elevator, exiting on the next floor, a loud and boisterous area. Two catgirls hung out at the front bar, flirting with the bartender, Boozebot 5000. The big blue cyborg walked by, shaking his head sadly.

"I don't have the heart to tell them that Boozebot only looks like a human," he said. He waved to a couple of regulars he knew as he walked by. "Hey, there's my newest sidekick, Mobius Knight! I'd go over and bother him but he seems to be deep in discussion with his giiiirlfriend," Heph said.

He pointed to the ramp leading up to another series of bars. Upstairs is the busiest bar, the "hero side" Blue Bar. Oddly enough, the villains like it as much as the heroes. What we're gonna do, though is meet the proprietor, DJ Zero. Uhm, put in some earplugs, guys. It's gonna get loud."

The cyborg and his recording crew made their way to Pocket D's giant central platform. Nearby, a large scary-looking man with a giant pink heart on his chest danced in one of the go-go cages.

"That's MANCRUSH. He's got this... thing... for one of the Cape DJs. It could be simple fandom, it could be creepy devotion. I'm betting on the latter."

"MANCRUSH loves you all!" the brute shouted.

"Rumor is that he's trying to convince Lord Recluse to spend enough money to help MANCRUSH become the first man on the Sun," Heph said.

Clem and Mitch just looked at each other and shook their heads as the screen went black.

----

After the commercial, the scene shifted to the home video again. A similar foyer to the one that Heph entered was their current location.

"All right, first thing's first, we gotta get past the bouncer," Regular Paulie said. "Lemme do the talkin' and just keep quiet."

Vinnie the Tooth and Joey Lugnuts nodded. The trio walked up to the head of security, a Succubus in the employ of DJ Zero. "And you are?" she asked over her evil clipboard.

"Family Raver, Family Raver, an' Desperate Guy," Regular Paulie said. he hoped his Hawaiian shirt, opulent chest hair and gold Scorpio medallion would make him look enough like Pocket D's legendary smooth talker.

The succubus blinked. "Desperate Guy, huh? Prove it."

Regular Paulie's forehead glistened a bit from nervous sweat. He thought as fast as he could. "Uh... hey, baby are you made outta china? 'Cause you are FINE!" he said quickly.

The succubus sneered at him. "Oh, good grief, that's horrible. Go on in."

"Uh, thanks," Regular Paulie said as he pushed the other two thugs into the elevator before they could talk.

----

When the show returned from a commercial break, Heph and crew were hanging out with the heroes and villains at The Cape's regular Tuesday night show. DJ Logos was winding down his set while heroes like the elusive Shutterbug and villains like Thresher Shark hung out, danced a little and talked smack.

Heph walked in and mingled his way into the crowd. "Hey gang."

Lunar Eclipse popped his head up from the conversation he'd been having with Mikuruneko. He looked at Heph's sweatshirt and smirked. "The BEARS? What's wrong with you?" he asked.

"This is a time I wish I could have mechanical eyebrows. That way I could raise one in an 'Excuse me? Did you just talk smack about my team or is that just your neck breaking wind?' manner," Heph said to the camera crew. He turned back to Lunar Eclipse. "I'm from Chicago. What were you expecting, the Argos?"

----

Regular Paulie brought the camera back out once they'd gotten to the dance floor. "All right, you two, you got your guns but don't use 'em unless ya gotta. We grab the stuff from the capes an' then we... hey, whatta we got fer our getaway car, Joey?"

Joey's squint got even worse when he smiled. "I got it all under control. Our getaway is hidin' in plain sight!"

They made their way to the big dance platform where the Cape was holding its gathering. The three of them drew their guns.

"All right! Everybodys' hands in the air where we can see 'em! This is a hold-up!" Regular Paulie shouted.

"Uh, what he said!" Vinnie the Tooth added.

Joey Lugnuts just squinted.

The three would-be thugs were so busy looking for trouble from the assembled supers that they never noticed the catatonically blissful expression from DJ Zero's face switch ever so slowly to one of stern disappointment. Nor were they watching as he spun slowly around to face them, his eyes glowing a brilliant white.

"My rules are simple. No fighting allowed," the interdimensional DJ said.

"This ain't a fight, it's a hold-up!" Joey Lugnuts said. He was rewarded with a slap on the back of the head and a "Shaddap!" from Regular Paulie.

"Now, are ya gonna hand over the goods, or are we gonna hafta get violent?"

Thresher Shark walked up to the badly-dressed thug. "Please, get violent. I'm bored."

Regular Paulie made his next move. "Vinnie, take one'a the catgirls hostage."

"I don't wanna risk gettin' on Attercap's bad side. You do it, Paulie," Vinnie the Tooth said.

Paulie pointed his gun at a random catgirl, who oddly enough went by the codename Random Catgirl. "Hey, Miss Whiskers, congratulations! Yer our first hostage!" He seemed rather disappointed when Random Catgirl ran past them.

----

Heph's camera crew recorded everything that had been going on.

"I wish I could smile," Hephaestus 1 said. "These guys are a special brand of moron."

DJ Zero floated peacefully in the air. "I said no fighting. I mean it."

"Whatever!" Paulie shouted as he pulled the trigger on his handgun. It did nothing. "Wait... I can't get the safety offa this thing!" he said in surprise and alarm.

The interdimensional host and cosmic linchpin shrugged. "Fine, have it your way. You three are open season."

"I don't like the sound'a that, Paulie," Vinnie the Tooth said.

A dozen superpowered individuals, heroes and villains, united to take the fight to their would-be robbers.

"Joey, what's the getaway plan?" Regular Paulie said.

"Okay, you teleport me ta the truck outside the dance club an' I drive it through the window an' you guys get in an' then we peel outta here," Joey Lugnuts said proudly. "It's just floatin' there! Nobody expected it!"

Regular Paulie looked at Joey Lugnuts. "The truck."

"Yeah!" Joey Lugnuts said.

"Out there."

"Yeah!"

"An' I teleport ya there?" Regular Paulie asked.

"Right, 'cause yer already at the truck by the time we... rob the place..." Joey Lugnuts trailed off. "Wait, that won't work, Paulie. You ain't at the truck."

"We're gonna die, aren't we, Paulie?" Vinnie the Tooth asked.

"Not 'we', Vinnie, just you an' Joey!" Regular Paulie shouted as he threw his two associates in front of him to make his escape.

The supers made short work of the two thugs as an Abba megamix was playing over the sound system.

----

As Regular Paulie tried to stall his imminent beating by hiding near the world's most violently-ill partygoer, he looked at the wristwatch teleportation unit he was wearing. "Press the red button fer Recall Friend," he muttered. He pressed the button and suddenly wondered where his old associate Nicky Razors had gone after doing time at The Zig. He was overcome with feelings of nostalgia as he promised to look Nicky up when he got out of here. Then he realized that he wasn't teleporting Vinnie the Tooth or Joey Lugnuts to him. He looked at the instruction manual again.

"Aeon Technologies is happy that ya bought the Wristport Time Traveler wristwatch with Recall Friend option. Usin' the greatest memory-enhancin' technology known ta the Multiverse, our wristwatch will help bring back yer favorite memories'a yer favorite friends. Note, this is nothin' similar ta the Recall Friend option available on our Team Transportation Wearable Multipurpose Spatial Foldin' Array. This won't teleport ya anywhere. Caveat emptor, suckers!"

Regular Paulie began to weep bitter tears as a giant blue metal hand grabbed his leg and dragged him out of his hiding spot.

----

The perspective shifted back to the unblinking camera of "Serv'd!"

Claire Pachowski felt very vulnerable in her apartment at the moment. Her older brother Tommy and her mother were staring at her in surprise. Tommy's girlfriend Saya sat there trying to look distracted by other things.

"All I said is want to date boys," she mumbled over her plate of gnocchi.

"Yer not ready, Claire-head," Tommy said. "Wait a little longer, will ya?"

"I'm ready, though," Claire said. "I mean, I see what you and Saya do--"

"Whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa! Ixnay on the ersonalpay uffstay!" Tommy said waving his hands. "Besides, we're both 18, an' we understand the consequences'a our actions a bit better than you do."

Saya looked at the tablecloth, blushing as much as Tommy was.

Tommy and Claire's mother looked at Tommy and scowled. "I thought I told you the rules about what goes on in my house, Tommy."

"Ya did, Ma. An' Saya an' I ain't breakin' 'em," Tommy said.

"Much," Claire snapped quietly.

The older woman still scowled at her son. "We'll talk."

"How you don't hear them, I don't know, Ma," Claire said. "It wakes me up on Saturday mornings. Maybe you need a quieter bed or more insulation in the wall or--"

"Shut it, Claire," Tommy grumbled as Saya buried her face in her hands. "Ya still ain't ready. Ma hasn't said ya could an' I ain't done with checkin' the backgrounds'a every guy ya fought crime with so far."

"You're doing background checks?" Claire asked.

"Yeah, yer my little sister. As yer older brother it's my job ta watch yer back an' make sure that yer heart don't get too broken."

"So I can never date, then?"

"I didn't say that. I just don't think yer ready fer the big step."

"But I am," Claire protested. "I'm a hero, that's a sign that I'm responsible!"

"It is," Mrs. Pachowski said, "but a hero license doesn't make you ready for a boyfriend."

Claire scowled much like her mother. "I'm totally ready."

"No, you're not," Mrs. Pachowski said, pointing at Claire with her fork. "You are nowhere near ready. Tommy wasn't and look what happened to him!"

Tommy looked at his mother in surprise. "What's that supposed ta mean, Ma?"

"Well, you go all the way over to Japan to seduce this poor girl," Mrs. Pachowski said while pointing to Saya, "and now she's stuck in a long distance relationship!"

"Ma, ya know that ain't what happened," Tommy said.

"There was no seducing," Saya said with embarrassment. "I sort of... threw myself on him after seeing him fight that giant Freakshow Titan. I was... stressed."

"Of course you were, dear," Mrs. Pachowski said. "panic makes you do odd things after a disaster, but that's not one of them."

"Uh, so what'd ya do when Dad came back from his first four-alarm fire, then?" Tommy asked.

Mrs. Pachowski stared a bit at her plate of gnocchi. "That isn't any of your business. Besides, we're talking about Claire here."

"See what'll happen, Claire-head?" Tommy said. "You'll wind up like Ma if ya start datin' now. You'll inta some kinda danger with a guy an' the next thing ya know, bow-chikka-bow-bow."

"Ew," Claire said. "There will be no stress sex. Honest. Hearing Tommy and Saya has kind of killed the idea for me. But I still want to go out with boys without a chaperone."

Mrs. Pachwoski folded her arms over her chest. "No."

"But, mom..."

"No! Either Tommy watches out for you, or you don't go on any dates."

"Whattaya mean me?" Tommy sputtered.

"If you're watching her, then you won't be breaking the house rules."

Tommy shook his head. "So I'm stuck babysittin'?"

Mrs. Pachowski smiled. "Yes."

Tommy pushed his empty plate away. "Well, that's another reason ya ain't ready ta date, Claire. That just makes more work fer me."

"I'm ready!" Claire shouted. "You're the ones who aren't ready!"

"I'm your mother and I say no. You're only thirteen, Claire. Now drop the subject."

"Fine," the young hero mumbled.

Hours later, she snuck out of her bedroom window again and ran off to the internet coffeeshop. There were boys to meet there.

Pipewrench stood behind the bar at the KC Hall in Kings Row, cleaning the beer mugs as usual. He figured he could work for his room and board here, since he'd been living in the old business office for months now. He was busy checking on all the mugs when Hephaestus 1 and the Cobalt Claymore came walking in in the midst of a conversation.

"Man, that's got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. The Powells were not a family of Communists."

"Mick, seriously, listen to the lyrics! They want Charles in charge of them. Their days, their nights, their wrongs and their rights. They're looking for an authority figure who will dictate every aspect of their lives! He got free rein to get involved in all kinds of misadventures with his buddy while the family worked to support him! He's like the Fidel Castro of New Jersey!"

"So, that makes Willie Aames' character the suburban version of Hugo Chavez?" Heph asked. "Then explain the old military guy and the dad who was always on assignment for the Army."

"The Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. That's a gimme," the Cobalt Claymore said.

"You guys actually discuss this stuff between classes?" Heph asked as he sat down.

"Well, yeah. I'm surrounded by geeks in class. We're history majors. We kind of have to be media junkies. We've got to figure out how old things reveal patterns of human nature and then use them to either imitate what's good and dodge what isn't so good. Read, compare, interpret and apply. That's the job," the Cobalt Claymore said. "We do weird comparisons like that to keep sharp and to entertain ourselves. Besides, it's better than doing math for fun."

Pipewrench snorted and set the mug he'd been cleaning on the bar. "Huh. I thought learnin' history in college was so ya could wear them jackets with the elbow patches, smoke pipes, an' complain 'bout how nobody reads yer books."

The Cobalt Claymore grinned. "Nah, those are just the perks."

Pipewrench shook his head. "That's it. I'm puttin' up a 'No Egghead Discussions' sign above the bar."

Hephaestus 1 nodded. "Seconded."

"All in favor?" Pipewrench said raising his hand.

"Aye," Heph said, raising his hand.

"Opposed? Doesn't matter, the ayes have it. Now, let's talk about the important stuff like boxin', the horse races in Florida an' women."

"Funny you should mention that," the Cobalt Claymore said, "The Romans were well known for leaving all kinds of graffiti in their bars on those same subjects."

Pipewrench put a mug of beer in front of the young hero. "Shaddap an' drink yer beer, junior. It'll put hair on yer chest."

Bloody Bay wasn't particularly living up to its name today, a wonderful temporary respite for the remaining survivors of the tiny island. The remnants of the Big Bucks Casino, however, had no respite in its immediate future. The Cobalt Claymore and Mother Aoi were running through the halls, with the young hero being chased by her team of ninja and the ninja warlord trying to capture him as easily as possible.

Kagaku, the ninja who replaced Timmy in Mother Aoi's strike team, attempted to circle around the Cobalt Claymore in order to deliver a knockout strike while the other ninja distracted him. He lunged forward with a fist to stun his opponent, but instead found his wrist entangled in the young hero's long scarf. The Cobalt Claymore twitched his shoulder, and the scarf tightened. He grabbed the scarf with his free hand and pulled it towards him, taking Kagaku off of his feet and headfirst to the floor. The Cobalt Claymore withdrew the chi he expended to use the scarf as a trap, and it became a simple scarf again. The shadowbranding he endured at his mothers' hands gave him an edge, as he learned to manipulate his chi from the memories of the shadow that had been bonded to him. For Kagaku, though, that edge wasn't much more than cheating. He was about to say something when the blade that the Cobalt Claymore was using found its way through his lung, pinning him to the floor with a scream that devolved into a long wheeze. The young hero left the poor genin stuck to the floor as he sped away from the remaining pursuers.

Mother Aoi smiled. He was vicious, just like his father. She watched her son corner another of her genin, and scare him long enough to slash him across the stomach. She almost felt sorry to see her two jonin end the fight quickly by landing a roundhouse kick and leg sweep combo, then securing his arms from reaching for another sword.

"Oh, Todd, that was perfect," Mother Aoi said. "Your father taught you quite thoroughly, didn't he?"

The Cobalt Claymore said nothing.

"Well, the time has come. I know what your father's left for you, I have his soul trapped in a talisman, and I have a third reason why you'll take over the family from me. It needs someone more virtuous than me to run it."

"What?" Todd said in surprise. "What do you mean by 'virtuous,' Mom?"

"I'm tired of this life, son, but it's the only one I know. If I continue as leader, then I'll end up ruining the thing that the Maeharas have built over the centuries. It has degenerated and become too corrupt to continue without a new master to guide it. It needs to be more heroic, if you will."

The Cobalt Claymore lay on the floor. "That has got to be the dumbest thing I have ever heard you say, Mom. Listen, I already made up my mind. I wouldn't put it past you to trap Dad like that, and whatever is in those vaults is of little concern to me."

"I didn't think you'd believe me when I said I wanted to reform the family. I thought it might help a bit to say that, though. You still say no, then?" Mother Aoi asked.

"No. I'm taking the job," the Cobalt Claymore said. "If you truly have Dad's soul trapped, you'll release him once I take over. I doubt the idea of hurting the man you love is something you like."

Mother Aoi smiled under her mask. "My son, you have no idea how happy this makes me."

"Naturally, though, we'll need to keep this a secret. Tradition must be maintained and all that," the Cobalt Claymore said. "You will no longer make any of the decisions once I become the head of the family. Your words will have no weight of authority."

"I understand," Mother Aoi said. "I will also not stand in the way of your engagement and eventual marriage to that young woman."

"Is that so? Why not? Is it her looks? Her intelligence?"


Mother Aoi smiled again under her mask. "Do you not see the wisdom of adding the ability to breathe water to our family line?"

"That's your reason? That's it?" the Cobalt Claymore sputtered.

"It's good enough for me. I have what I want, a proper leader for my family, and you have what you want, your fiancee. As far as I am concerned, we have a deal."

"Fine," the Cobalt Claymore said. "It's done."

After all this time, Mother Aoi finally got to see the reward of her stubborn efforts. Victory was still as sweet as ever.

"I'll see you soon, boy," Mother Aoi said. With a wave, she and her entourage disappeared through a shadow portal. The Cobalt Claymore was left by himself in the ruined casino.

"How am I gonna get out of this one?" the Cobalt Claymore asked himself softly.

Since when is a malicious ninja warlord a normal person?

Every night after class it was the same damn thing. Go home, chase away the ninjas that followed him, and deal with homework. Todd Galahad, the Cobalt Claymore, was sick and tired of this. What's worse is that even more of his teammates got involved. A ninja had dropped in on Hephaestus 1 to deliver a note for Todd. Heph was going to be busy, so he dropped it off with Oksah for safe keeping. When Todd finally picked up the letter, he used it to track down the genin who delivered it to Heph. He managed to catch up with the genin in The Gaspee section of Founders Falls. The slanted roof of an apartment block was where Todd finally caught up with the ninja. The ninja was caught in the concussive wave of an explosive shuriken which the Cobalt Claymore used in situations like this. He loomed over the genin, tendrils of shadow wafting off of his body.

"You could have just knocked on my door and handed this to me," Todd said to the dazed ninja.

"Please, young lord, I only did this by your mother's request," the ninja said. "She said it was important that it be given to you by a friend."

Todd broke the seal on the scroll and began to read slowly. Japanese wasn't his best language, so part of him really wished she'd just used English.

Todd,

I have the access codes to your father's accounts in St. Martial now. I fear that this knowledge would still not be enough to convince you to join me and become the next leader of our family. So you should be aware that I have something else of your father's that may be enough to convince you to join me.

It is true that I've always had your father's heart. I now have his soul as well, to use as I please. It is true that I love him, but I'm willing to blot him out of existence for the sake of the clan. Join me or I will test out just how indestructible an immortal soul really is.

Love,

Mom

Todd looked at the genin. "Did you know what was in this scroll?"

"No, young lord, it was for you to read, not me," the grey-clad spy said. "I was told to deliver it to Hephaestus 1 without fail."

Todd scowled. "I need you to convey a message to Mother, then."

The next morning, a jogger near Hutchinson Park found a grey-clad man bound to a tree and being awakened by a flock of ravens who mistook him for carrion. What made the news was a simple one-sentence reply found on a piece of paper stuffed in the man's mouth.

"Fine, I'll be there."

The lobby of the St. Martial Banking Enclave was a busy one for a Monday morning. Property taxes were due today, and the were taking in the money for the Etoile Isles government. Naturally there was a hefty "service fee" involved for such transactions, but a twenty-percent surcharge with a 100% guarantee of on-time payments was about the only sure thing in the island chain. Nervous guards kept their hands on their pistols or submachineguns, waiting for one of the patrons to drop his disguise and try to rob the bank.

A small throng of people rushed through the doors as a loud pavement-cracking explosion echoed through the entrance hall. Panicked customers ran up to the current security chief.

"You've got to do something out there! A man is charging down the street destroying everything in his path!" an office worker said excitedly. "We don't want him to come this way!"

"So what?" the security chief said. "He doesn't come in here, he's not my or my mens' problem. Maybe you should go back out there and tell him to attack the Cage Credit Union building across the street." He put his hand back on his holstered gun. "Get in line and shut your hole unless you want to go back out there."

The officeworker complied and got in line.

Outside, Seito was having the time of his life. The genin once known only as Timmy leapt into the air, two red rays of energy trailing his fists as he brought them down into the engine of a delivery van. He smiled as he gathered up more energy for his next attack.

"Attention St. Martial, Seito is here to take on all comers! Can you handle this kind of fight? Check it out! REBOUNDING HAMMER STRIKE!" He hit the delivery van's hood again, sending it flying backwards from the compressed energy in his hands. It landed near a group of Freakshow who took it as a challenge. Seito smiled, and wrapped himself in shadows.

One of the Freaks' Tankers stepped up to the challenge. "LOL NUB! G34RH3D'S GONNA CRUSH YOU!" As the Tank stepped forward, a group of his cronies followed behind him, fanning out so they could all get a shot at this chump in his little blue ninja suit.

Seito smiled and jumped into the air, landing in the midst of the group. He made the sign of the snake and the Freaks began to find their vital signs dropping.

"The Death Shroud covers you all! Say goodbye to living, human filth!" Seito said with glee. He heard the pneumatic hiss as each Freak fired off an emergency supply of Excelsior to remain standing. Seito threw a punch, caving in a Freak's ribcage and followed it up with a whirlwind strike. The lesser Freaks fell to the ground dead, but Seito continued forward without stopping to admire his work.

G34RH3D's huge clawed hands lashed out, cutting the genin all across his harms and torso. Instead of screaming in pain, the ninja smiled and locked eyes with the tank. He channelled the Tank's life energy and mixed it with his own, allowing his grievous wounds to heal almost instantly.

"Ha! Thought you had me, didn't you?" Seito laughed. He gathered up as much energy as he needed. With another shout of "REBOUNDING HAMMER STRIKE!" he connected with G34RH3D, sending the Tank flying through the air and smashing through the wall of the St. Martial Banking Enclave.

The Security Chief was doing his usual duty of harassing the girls in the word processing department when he heard a great explosion and a sound of thumping and rolling. He ran to the teller cages to see a Freakshow Tank that sparked and fumed as its lifesigns dwindled. The Tank's head dangled from a few cords, meeting eyes with the Security Chief.

"F4IL!" the Tank shouted. A high-pitched whine emanated from the dead cyborg's chest.

"OH S-" was all the Security Chief got before the cyborg's power supply exploded with the force of a 500-pound bomb. The building handled the stress easily, as the lobby was designed to channel explosive force away from the important parts of the building and back out into the street. The steps to the bank were covered in blood, grime and body parts as those who could miraculously walk out before dying staggered out into their final look at the sun.

The remaining guards rushed to cordon off the entrance to the vault and safe deposit rooms, not even noticing the trio of businessmen who walked past them. They sat down in an empty cubicle and began to work at cracking the access code to the Cobalt Claymore's hidden accounts.

Yes, Seito was truly earning his keep today.

I thought that a really lame supervillain would be a good starter villain for Fang. So, I just recycled I EAT PASTE MAN.

It was a bitterly cold day in Canton Place, home neighborhood to the Paragon City Police Academy, but tradition dictated that all academy graduation exercises were to be held outside. No one liked the tradition today, especially not the Paragon City Bagpipe and Drum Corps, who were required to wear kilts at every performance. After a rousing and fast version of "Scotland The Brave," the Commandant of the Academy stepped to the podium. To his right was the graduating class of fifty of the newest Paragon Police Department recruits. Next to them sat an array of city dignitaries and Heroes, including Hephaestus 1 and Blue Steel.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Commandant Ambinder said, "today we greet the newest recruits to the Paragon Police Department. These men and women have spent the past three months training to become guardians of our fair city, and to uphold our laws. Our new officers come from all parts of Paragon City, including its Licensed Hero population. And with every graduation, we have one new officer who stands above the rest, who exemplifies that which makes our officers the best in the country. With that, I'd like Patrolman Arnold Z. Lubawicz to come forward and accept the Honor Graduate Award and Ribbon for his dress uniform."

The short and furry form of Fang, the Littlest Werewolf trotted up to the stage in his dress blue jacket and trousers. His white uniform shirt and hat still carried the Recruit badge. He saluted Commandant Ambinder crisply and attempted to maintain a professional appearance. It was thoroughly ruined, though, by the furious wagging of his tail. Heph's hand covered his faceplate as if he was holding back a laugh and Blue Steel sat there, nearly motionless. A careful observer could see the corners of the hero's lips clamp down as if trying not to smile.

"Arnold?" Heph whispered to Blue Steel. "Man, he had to hate life at school."

Blue Steel sat there, his eyes darting over to Heph for a moment. "What do you think the Z stands for?"

"No idea," Heph muttered. The big blue cyborg watched as his former co-star pulled out a stepstool from the podium so that he could speak into the microphone.

"Thank you, Commandant Ambinder," Fang said. "I have to admit, I had advice from my mentors like my Uncle Larry and Hephaestus 1, about what to expect. I can say they were right with some things, and wrong with others. Uncle Larry thought I'd quit the first week. He was wrong. My co-star, Hephaestus 1, said that an officer's choice of coffee had to be as close as black to possible. He was right. I did get laughed at for my choice of coffee, because it looked unprofessional."

The short lycanthrope continued. "Well, I've learned to drink black coffee, Heph. Are you happy now?" he asked to the laughs of the assembled audience. "Really, I don't have much else to say other than thanks to everyone who helped me. It's nice to be part of a team, and since you helped me win this award, I'll do everything I can to live up to--"

Fang's remarks were drowned out by a loud metallic roar. A huge robotic beast stood over the audience, with a portly flannel-clad man of indeterminate age and more-indeterminate facial hair standing on its shoulder.

"BEWARE, PARAGON CITY, I EAT PASTE MAN HAS SUMMONED STRONGULON THE METAL RAVAGER IN ATTACK MODE!" the doughy looking man shouted. "AND YOU ARE ALL TOTALLY BANNED FROM THE WIZARD'S STARSHIP COMIC AND GAME STORE FOR BEING COPS!"

Heph looked up. "Barry? Oh, geez..."

"Barry?" Blue Steel asked.

"He thinks he's a superhero named 'I EAT PASTE MAN'," Heph said.

"'I EAT PASTE MAN'? What are his powers?"

"He thinks that eating paste without getting sick is a superpower. He also shouts no matter what." Heph said.

Blue Steel's face turned sour. "That's sad and disgusting."

"AND NOW YOU'LL ALL TOTALLY LOSE YOUR LIFE POINTS!" I EAT PASTE MAN said. "I EAT PASTE MAN CAN SUMMON MONSTERS LIKE NO ONE ELSE! BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF THE CARDS!"

Fang removed his hat and jacket and calmly placed them on the podium. "Excuse me, folks, I have something I need to do." He ran up to the giant robot and started climbing quickly up its leg.

"Barry!" Fang shouted. "I told you to stop trying to get powers from eating paste!"

"I GOT- I GOT THESE POWERS! FROM A GUY WHO WORE THIS BIG DISCO MEDALLION THING! AND FUNNY HAIR! AND NOW I SUMMON EXTREME MONSTERS! IT'S NOT FROM PASTE!" I EAT PASTE MAN shouted.

Fang continued climbing up the ornate monster's armored skin, getting up to the shoulder where Barry was perched. "This is an important day for my class! You are ruining it for everyone just like you ruined the D&D campaign at The Wizard's Starship!"

"I WANTED TO PLAY A DROW NINJA!" I EAT PASTE MAN yelled. "THEY'RE TOTALLY COOL AND LOOK AT THE BONUSES AND EVERYTHING--"

Fang slapped his erstwhile opponent right across the face, sending paste flecks flying everywhere. "Drow do NOT live in Rokugan, you moron!"

Blue Steel and Heph looked at each other. "I have no idea what he's talking about, Steelie," Heph said. "I thought Fang's only claim to geekery was reading manga in public at his age."

I EAT PASTE MAN glowered at Fang from behind his thick spectacles. "OH YOU ARE SO BANNED FROM THE STORE ONCE I TAKE IT OVER FROM BILL!"

"Your brother runs the store and he's kicked you out of there so many times because you pester everyone there!" Fang shouted. Do you know why we stopped gaming at the store?"

I EAT PASTE MAN was silent.

"You, Barry! You wanted to play a ninja EVERY FREAKING TIME!" Fang growled.

"BUT BUT BUT BUT NINJA ARE AWESOME AND CAN FIGHT ANYTHING!" the doughy would-be overlord said.

"Barry, you wanted to play a ninja in every game. Then you'd play the ninja once, take damage, and run away crying," Fang said. "At first, we'd allow it. Cyberpunk? Sure, ninjas can be allowed there. Legend of the Five Rings? Appropriate, but only for Scorpions, and you never play anything but Dragons. But when you wanted to play a ninja in Call of Cthulhu, we had to draw the line."

"JAPAN EXISTS IN THAT GAME, SO IT'S ALLOWED," I EAT PASTE MAN said.

"We were playing a game set in the Late Roman Republic! THERE WERE NO NINJAS IN REPUBLICAN ROME!"

"NONE THAT ANYONE -NOTICED-," the pudgy villain yelled with his hands on his hips.

"The entire concept of the ninja wouldn't be created for at least another eight centuries!"

"Ahem!" Commandant Ambinder said into the microphone. "Cadet Lubawicz, would you please just arrest this man and be done with it?"

"Yes sir!" Fang shouted as he grabbed the deck of cards in Barry's shirt pocket.

"OH NO NOT MY CARDS!" I EAT PASTE MAN shouted. "WE'RE GONNA--" I EAT PASTE MAN's diatribe was cut short as the giant metal monster winked out of existence and both he and Fang fell thirty feet to the ground. Fortunately, there was a lot of snow covering the ground. Fang landed deftly on his feet while I EAT PASTE MAN bellyflopped into the muddy ground beneath the snow.

"OW MY FACE!" I EAT PASTE MAN yelled. "I LANDED ON MY FACE AND IT'S ALL MUDDY AND MY MOM IS GONNA BE MAD WHEN I GET HOME! BECAUSE I DIDN'T GET REVENGE ON YOU GUYS FOR NOT LETTING ME BE A STAR ON THAT ONE SHOW!"

Heph shook his head. "All this stupidity happened over trying to convince us that eating paste was a superpower? Give me a break."

"If he would have shown that he could summon monsters, would you have let him on?" Blue Steel asked.

"Well, Steelie, that'd be a qualified maybe. There were other factors involved."

"Like what?"

"Like not smelling like paste and day-old sweat," Heph said.

"Oh," Blue Steel said. "Good point."

The Commandant of the Academy walked over to Fang. "Well, this is as good start as any to a career, I suppose."

"Thank you, Commandant," Fang said. "I know we were supposed to have a formal swearing-in, but will they make an exception?"

"Eh, probably," Commandant Ambinder said as he slapped an arrest teleport tag on the now-muddy I EAT PASTE MAN.

"I WILL TOTALLY HAVE MY REVENGE ON ALL OF YOU!" I EAT PASTE MAN shouted. "WHEN I RUN THINGS YOU WILL ALL BE BANNED FROM THE STORE! FOR LIFE!"

The pudgy evildoer blinked out of existence.

"I didn't just get an arch-nemesis, did I?" Fang asked.

"We all have to start somewhere, Cadet Lubawicz."

Fang slunk back to the podium. "Sorry, everyone. Barry gets like that sometimes. Also, I'll make sure that he and other... really sad and pathetic villains get taken off the streets before they embarrass the city and themselves. I just wish I could have a better arch-nemesis is all, I guess. Thanks again."

Fang went and sat back down, waiting for the swearing-in ceremony at the end of the graduation exercise. He caught Heph's thumbs-up out of the corner of his eye and smiled. Maybe even the Littlest Werewolf could be the Biggest Hero of them all.

"You didn't!" Jen said.

"Uh, yeah, I kinda did," Todd Galahad said to his regular group of study partners. "I didn't want to wait anymore."

His other study partner, Will, shook his head. "But at a bar? Aren't there more romantic places?"

Todd nodded. Sure there were a lot better places to propose marriage than Pocket D, but he had the ring, Marie was there, and considering how many shadows were in the bar, it would have been very easy for one of Mother Aoi's spies to see and hear him. The information would get back to her one way or another.

"Do you even have this planned out?" Jen asked. "You're going to need all kinds of things planned, like the location, the catering, the guest lists, what everyone's going to wear, all of that. Also, how is that going to affect her working partnership with the Cobalt Claymore?"

"I don't think it will cause him any trouble," Todd said. "He's a very understanding guy."

"So, will he be giving Marie away?" Jen asked.

"He's married to his job. If he shows up at the wedding, it'll be for a few minutes, he'll brood up in the choir loft, then disappear out a window or some such. He doesn't even really do much other than lurk when he visits the houseboat."

"Wait, you know him?" Will asked.

"Yeah, very well, in fact," Todd said.

Jen tapped away on her laptop keyboard, chatting on one web forum or another. "So, what's he like?"

"Well, his latest visit ended up with me standing on the aft of my and Marie's boat while he just sort of stared at the boat and did all the "I'm protecting you, and I'll always be in the background." stuff. Basically we just sort of stood there and stared each other down for about five minutes, then he left," Todd said. "I think that's the longest we've ever talked."

Jen raised an eyebrow. "It doesn't sound like you guys actually said anything to each other."

"We didn't speak a word to each other. It was still the best conversation that he and I had."

"Okay, I'm raising the flag on that one," Will said. "Nobody acts like that."

"So, who all do you have picked for your part of the wedding party?" Jen asked.

"I haven't given it any thought. This is going to be a rather practical thing, so I'm surprised if we'll have much more than two really quick ceremonies that don't involve much more than 'You want to marry her? Okay, you want to marry him? All right, good. We're done here so off you two go to happiness and babymaking.' or some such," Todd said.

"Wow, you're an incurable romantic," Jen said.

"No, I'm a practical romantic," Todd replied. "And at least I don't start spouting off the Kalevala when I'm being romantic."

Jen turned bright red. "You told her about that?"

"I blamed it on a teaching assistant, so you're safe," Todd said with a grin.

"You're safe, too," Will said. "You don't even know Finnish!"

"I said the same thing, Will," Todd said with a smile.

Jen tried regaining her composure. "It's epic poetry... how is that not a turn-on?"

Will and Todd looked at her.

"What?" Jen asked.

The three students continued gabbing away through the afternoon.

Tommy Pachowski, his sister Claire, and his mother Mary were all seated in the living room of the family apartment in High Park. The college football bowl games had begun to appear more often during the build-up to the big games in January. There were sounds of sizzling and occasional bright flashes from the kitchen where a wok occasionally burst into flame. A mad chopping noise also emanated from the doorway.

"Do they actually know what they're doing in there, Tommy?" his mother asked.

"Well, Todd's supposed ta be a good cook, an' I know that Saya's pretty good, too. Just be patient, all right, Ma?" Tommy said as he flipped between three channels. "Commercials every two minutes, no defense ta speak of... what've they done ta football?"

Claire read through her manga, one of her house slippers dangling off of one toe. "Ma? Are we going to the hairdresser's any time soon?" she asked.

"For the last time, Claire, you're not getting your hair done again like someone out of those stupid comics," Mary grumbled. "I let you get one style, and now you want to go and change it?"

Claire didn't say anything for a few seconds. "Well, I was thinking of getting it cut."

"No," her mother said.

"Why not?" Claire whined. "It's not like we're broke!"

"Ma said no, Claire-head," Tommy said. "Besides, if ya do too much ta yer hair it'll fall out an' you'll look like Great-Grandpa Tomasz!" He sniffed the air. "Man, whatever he's fryin' in there smells good."

"I'm surprised that a boy like Todd would know anything about Chinese cooking," Mary said.

"Well, considerin' his dad was a hero, I guess he wanted him ta have a bunch'a skills ta use. Ya never know when posin' as a cook can help ya blend in," Tommy said. "Besides, ya had his food that one time he came over fer dinner. Remember how he made those appetizers?"

"You mean the pan-fried salami things?" Mary asked. "Oh, yes, those were pretty good for a starter."

"Is he making more of those?" Claire asked.

Todd poked his head out through the doorway. "It'll be just a couple more minutes!"

"Tommy, you said he has a girlfriend, right?" Mary asked. "Why isn't she here?"

"She had work at the lab," Tommy said. "She'll probably be over later."

Saya walked out, with a rice cooker filled to the brim in her arms. "Okay, I'll set the rice over on the table, come over when you're ready."

As if by shifts, everyone picked up a plate and helped themselves to a miniature buffet of stir-fried goodness. Tommy and Todd talked shop mostly in between reacting to the game, while Claire listened, pretending to be more interested in her book. Mary and Saya chatted a little here and there, but made sure to bug the boys with questions about football or hero life.

After dinner, Todd got up to clean off the table, and Mary followed him over.

"What do you think you're doing?" Mary asked.

"Well, I made the mess, so I should clean it up, too," Todd said. "I want my Christmas gift to your family to be a good dinner, not dirty dishes."

Mary looked over at her two children. "Tommy! Claire! Come clear the table and get the dishes going! Todd and Saya cooked, so you two should clean up!"

"Right, Ma," Tommy said.

There was some muted grumbling as Claire got off of the couch, but the two heroes started cleaning up now that everyone was finished.

"Should we have left some food out for Marie?" Mary asked.

"No, it's fine. I'll cook for her later tonight," Todd said.

"Well, I hope you didn't mind coming over to our apartment for Christmas. I thought you might go visit family or something."

"Well, when Dad died and I moved out here, his side of the family kind of wrote me off. There wasn't much contact anyway between his side of the family and us," Todd said.

"What about your mother?" Mary asked.

"Well, she's the head of a clan of ninjas and a crimelord. I try to stay away from crime unless I'm fighting crime."

"I see," Mary said. "Though with all of your usual desire to have a secret identity, you don't mind talking about a hero's life with me?"

"Well, it's because you understand part of the hero life. Your kids don't have to hide stuff around you. You're one of the people who keeps heroes grounded in reality. You're family. I guess I feel comfortable talking about hero business in front of you."

Mary smiled a bit. "Thank you. It's nice to be appreciated."

"You and Mister Pachowski were the first people to invite me over for dinner when I moved here. That meant a lot to me. I'm glad that you two trusted Tommy enough to invite me over."

"Well, it was Phil's idea," Mary said, referring to her late husband. "I wasn't in the mood to set another place at the table, but he insisted. I miss him being so hard-headed. I miss him just being here, too. He'd be teasing Tommy about the Jets this season now that the Patriots are doing so well."

"My first Christmas without my dad was awful. I didn't want to get out of bed, go to Mass, any of that. I spent most of the time looking through old photo albums."

"I didn't want to get out of bed yesterday, either. It hasn't even been a year, and I just didn't want to face Christmas without him."

"Yeah, but you would have missed out on the things you both loved about it, though," Todd said. "So you know, it doesn't get easier the second or third year, either."

Mary looked over at the pictures on the wall. "I didn't think it would. A lot of the other firemans' wives said the same thing."

"You can be proud of him, though. He got a lot of people out of that building before the Rikti attacked it again. There's plenty of good memories there." Todd looked down at the dining room table, then back at Mary. "Focus on those and you can get through the days like yesterday."

"Thank you, Todd," Mary said. "I think I'll do just that."

The two left the dining room to continue watching the football game.

At St. Casimir's cemetery in one of the south suburbs of Chicago, Mother Aoi placed a bouquet of flowers on a grave. Morning glory, forget-me-nots, blue and purple hyacinth were all arranged as delicately as possible.

"I'm sorry, Michael," the woman said, tightening up her overcoat to shield against the cutting winds. She reached out to touch the smooth granite of the gravestone of her husband. "Abandoning your mission makes you useless to the family, if you go by the traditions passed down to me. I abandoned the man I love. Even the shiftless and lazy can look down on me because of that. I abandoned you and I abandoned our sons to whatever the world threw at them. A useless thing like me can never make up for her mistakes."

"I don't know, you don't seem that useless," a voice said that the woman hadn't heard except in a recording for almost twenty years.

"Michael?"

"Hiya, June," the spirit of Michael Galahad said. "You're still as beautiful as ever."

"I thought you weren't supposed to come back," Mother Aoi said.

"I get time off for stuff like this. It's The Big Guy's decision," Michael's ghost said with a smile.

"I'm far too late for apologies, Michael, I know that," the ninja leader said. "But I had to let you know that I'm sorry. I should have stayed with you."

"I'm part of the past, so all I can do is forgive what's in the past," the ghost said. "Besides, you know how ghosts are, when our true love calls or we have a message for our children, we can return."

"True love," Mother Aoi said. "I'm glad you feel that way, too."

"I can't go through eternity hating you, June," Michael said. "Merry Christmas, gorgeous."

Mother Aoi blushed and smiled a bit. "You too. I also have one last regret for which I must apologize, dear husband," Mother Aoi said.

"What's that?"

With a flash of light the spirit of the first Cobalt Claymore was trapped in a paper talisman. He appeared as a samurai, warding off demons and shadows with his swords.

"I'm sorry for having to use you as a bargaining chip to get our son to see reason and take over Jizoku no Himitsu," Mother Aoi said, her smile replaced with a look of determination. "He's as willful as you."

Red shirts? Nah, Seito got a promotion out of the red shirt unit. Of course for ninjas Masterminds, it's more a gray shirt than red...

Tetsukane sat on the raised tatami where instructors would usually watch their newest students train. The genin he'd recently shadow branded stood before him.

"Show me what the shadow gave to you," Tetsukane said.

The ninja became blurry as shadows wrapped themselves around him, but he did not disappear. The ripples of darkness around him did little to hide him, but moved and swayed to shield him. The genin's hands began to glow a fiery red, giving way to bright white at the center. With a room-filling shout, he drove his fist into the floor, causing the tatami to fly in all directions. Any of the mats which came near the genin were shunted aside by the shadow armor.

Tetsukane smiled. "You have learned Kichikudo. That will be useful." The Way of the Brute was simple, but its destructive power made up up for the usual lack of grace. The name appeared in his mind. "You shall no longer be burdened by the name of Timmy, as you have paid attention to the shadow's memories and learned to use its gifts. From now on, you are Seito, named for your diligence in your studies."

Seito bowed deeply. "Thank you, Tetsukane-sensei. What is my first mission?"

"You will provide the needed distraction to keep St. Martial's security forces at bay while our account-cracking specialists do their work in the St. Martial banking enclave," Tetsukane said. "You should be able to lead them on a very wild chase from the financial center to just about anywhere you please."

"I understand, sensei. When shall I leave?" Seito asked.

Tetsukane watched as his student paced the floor. "Our infiltration unit has not yet been selected. Until then, train."

"Yes, sensei,' Seito said. The ninja then bowed and walked off of the training room floor. When he was gone a group of raw students and shadows came in to start repairs on the floor. Tetsukane then directed the newcomers to complete their tasks.

Maybe it's not so much narrative fiction this time, but I decided to throw in a little FAQ that may or may not be found in some Neophyte's Guide to Arcane Living wiki or in some intel file somewhere. I'll probably add this to the Virtue wiki at some point as well. I suppose you could file it under "World Development Fiction" or somesuch, like Tolkien's various appendices for Middle-Earth.

Shadow Branding, or Stuck On You: The FAQ

What is shadow branding?

"Shadow branding" is a ritual used by the leaders among Jizoku no Himitsu to reward and/or punish various ninja and willful shadows.

How is it a reward and/or a punishment?

It can grant a large amount of power to an individual, but it also can have a great cost to said individual.

So, what's the process?

First, you need a real live human being. Second, you need an independent shadow. Then by using magic, you essentially blend the two together creating a unified whole. Depending on the desired outcome of the ritual, it can be as simple as putting your subjects in a candle-lit room, or it can be as complex as creating a mystic pattern through use of Sanskrit and Kanji rendered in calligraphic format.

What's an "independent" Shadow? For that matter, what are these Shadow servants flitting about the ninja HQ, anyway?

Okay, just like you and I have shadows, there's also Shadows. The spellcasters from the ninja clan found a link between the shadows cast by just about everything and a sentient force that exists and links all shadows.

So, it's like the negative energy that you see a lot of defenders, Skulls, and scrappers use?

It's one and the same, really.

So, getting back to the Shadows, what is it about the "independent" ones?

Often, a shadow servant will be summoned up by a high-level channeler of this negative energy. Mind you, this servant isn't always happy to be taken away from whatever it was doing. Well, there's this little thing about Shadow servants: they're part of a group mind, the sentient force I talked about earlier. If you summon one of these servants regularly, it will split off from the group mind and have a will of its own. It becomes an independent Shadow. Mother Aoi's family has found dozens, if not hundreds of these creatures since her family's founding. Many of the original Shadows still act as retainers to the Maehara family, the head family of Jizoku no Himitsu.

Well, if there's a great sentient force behind the Shadow, how does it react to the independent creatures?

It mourns the loss of each Shadow as if it had died, for the independent Shadow has found itself cut off from its family and its parent. The Maeharas made a pact with the Shadow to take care of its "lost" children, and was granted special gifts in return.

It's a win/win situation, then?

Pretty much.

So, how does the ninja family take care of these creatures?
The Shadows are assisted by Jizoku no Himitsu in finding a purpose in the world, and by helping them feed in oder to exist.

What do Shadows eat?

Souls, mostly. Without an attachment to a human body (like our shadows) or an attachment to the sentient force, independent shadows have to feed on life energy. A starving Shadow will drain someone's soul in no time flat. Usually, though, an independent Shadow will feed in small amounts. Quite often a Shadow will offer its help to a human in order to find a host. It replaces the human's original shadow, and gives them access to the shadow's knowledge. The Shadow will also do many little things to help its human host, such as assisting with grooming, finding car keys, helping navigate in the dark and such. Without a host, though, a Shadow must feed in far more dangerous manner. It must drain the soul and life energy from its victims by force. If the Shadow is particularly hungry, it will feed on the soul all at once.

Sounds painful.

No, it's quick and painless. The victim doesn't even notice it. The soulless body is often used by the Shadow for a while afterward, allowing it to live as a normal human for a little while. The Shadow will tire quickly of the novelty, though, and leave the body to its fate.

Okay, we know what the independent Shadows are, then. What do they have to do with this shadow branding process?
The personalities of the human and the Shadow will merge to an extent, depending on the ritual used.

So, what does the process look like?

Basically, a light source is used by the human as a focus to keep them distracted from when the Shadow merges. The light source is used as a trap for the unlucky Shadow. The ritual bends the Shadow towards the light, causing it great pain.

Where does the human come in?

The human who is holding the light source is often used as bait and as a refuge for the shadow.

A refuge?

A Shadow without a host will try to force itself over a human shadow to stop from being dragged into the light. Once the shadow opens itself up to try to absorb the host's shadow, the branding process begins.

How does that work?

An "opened" Shadow is vulnerable to branding. When it attempts to fuse with a human, the branding ritual takes its energy and permeates the human's life energy with it. This also adds the sum of the Shadow's knowledge to its human bearer. It also has the side effect of obliterating the Shadow's personality. A shadow-branded individual will find himself knowing many things from first-hand experience, even if such experience never happened to the human before.

So, someone born, say in 1980, can suddenly find himself remembering a day of courtly intrigue in 1214 and react as if he'd actually been there?

Right. It all depends on what the Shadow has learned during its independent existence.

So, it's a pretty easy ritual, then?

No. The human and the Shadow are wracked with pain during the branding process. The Shadow's pain comes from losing its sense of self, the human's pain comes from the Shadow trying to tear its way out of the human's body.

Is it ever fatal?

No human has died from it. During the ritual, you may wish you had died, though.

This is where the powers come in?

Right. It depends on a bunch of factors, the main ones being the personalities of the Shadow and human, the amount of power being doled out to the human, and the amount of control placed upon the recipient.

What do you mean by "amount of control?"

Shadow branding does give its recipient new powers, but Mother Aoi also gains some amount of control over the recipient if desired. She is able to use the recipient's senses to gather information and can also control their body if so desired. In some cases, she disallows the use of control, preferring only to use the recipient as a spy camera.

What if she doesn't like you?

Then you'll be putting on a life-size puppet show, with Mother Aoi pulling your strings.

That sounds kind of hot.

Stay out of this, Encharger.





So, this is why it's both a reward and a punishment?

Yes. The caster and/or Mother Aoi can determine how much power the recipient gets and how much control they'll exert. If you're truly trusted, you'll be given lots of power and no control. If you're untrustworthy, your power will be limited and you can kiss your independence goodbye.

So, what about guys like Timmy?

Read the story and find out.

Wait, if this thing obliterates the Shadow's sense of self, doesn't the sentient Shadow force get ticked off?

Not particularly. The Shadow has a mind of its own and a will of its own, so it must be responsible for its own actions. The Maeharas will care for and protect the Shadows, but if a Shadow turns on them or fails them, they're punished like anyone else in Jizoku no Himitsu: slowly and cruelly. The sentient Shadow force understands this.

Also, some Shadows no longer wish to exist, or wish to fulfill a higher purpose for the group and will volunteer to become a human's shadow brand. It is uncommon, but not rare. One historical account in the Maehara family records recalls that a Shadow who had fallen in love with a genin requested to be branded upon her in order to give her the abilities needed to complete her missions.

So now that you're branded, how do you know what powers you'll get?

You look at the brand, the physical mark left as a reminder of the Shadow. This often forms a "tattoo" of sorts under the skin of the human recipient. By reading the tattoo and examining the recipient's personality, you can often tell what they'll get. For example, a ninja known for having a slowly-building temper and a brand of flowers and vines will likely have some kind of plant and fire powers. It depends many other factors, but the personality and tattoo are often very accurate in power determination.

What does Timmy have, then, with shadows and stars?

Keep reading.

Shadow branding is, in summary, a power-granting process with a great chance of losing control of your very self?

That's it in a nutshell.

Who are the regular users of the ritual?

The only two people known to do such things so far are Mother Aoi and Tetsukane. There are others as yet unknown who also have access to this. Mother Aoi, as leader of the group, though, has final authority to tweak things as she sees fit.

Who else has gone through the process?

Mother Aoi has used it on her son, the Cobalt Claymore, in order to turn him into Whispering Typhoon. He managed to break the control thanks to the help of dozens of other heroes during the Typhoon Warning event and return to Paragon City to take up his identity as the Cobalt Claymore once again.

What if there's a question that I don't see answered here?

Well, you could always ask Mother Aoi, but you may not want the answer.

You don't know how close I came to writing "Looks like we'll need another Timmy."

Timmy sat in the middle of what looked to be like some kind of mandala made up of Sanskrit and kanji calligraphy. He'd been stripped to the waist and was told to hold a lit candle perfectly still. Naturally, he had difficulty with this as he tried too hard to please his superiors.

"Stupid candle," he muttered as his arms shook.

Tetsukane glared at the genin. "Quiet. This is going to be painful either way, so you might as well be focused on the candle. Relax. It will help keep the candle from shaking."

The genin sighed, causing the candle to flicker wildly. He then inhaled, and exhaled again to relax himself, with the candle's flame swaying back and forth in time with his breathing. Timmy's eyes locked on the flame, following every movement of it.

Tetsukane smiled as his charge began to be enraptured by the flame. He tapped on the floor twice. A shadow in the form of a Shingon monk slithered in through a crack under the door and took a more solid form.

"This is my reward?" the shadow hissed. "Very well. I want a name like Onita. Will I get one?"

"Of course," Tetsukane said. "Go on, follow the pathway of the ink."

The shadow slithered towards the mesmerised genin and stopped.

"You did not say he had a flame with him!" the shadow said as it recoiled from the light.

"I did not," Tetsukane said as he slapped an o-fuda on the doorway. The paper talisman glowed a sickly gray and both the Sanskrit and calligraphy began to slowly spin around Timmy, pulsing with the sound of invisible chanters. The master teacher smiled as the shadow was forced toward the candle.

The curses the shadow yelled towards Tetsukane were drowned out by the chanting and its gestures warped and bent unnaturally as the painted characters rose and fell from the floor, occasionally slicing through the shadow's form. The shadow screamed and howled, barely heard among the chanting. Timmy's eyes blinked as the flame of the candle flared and dimmed, and then he screamed in pain and terror as well. The louder the shadow and genin were, the more the candle flickered and dimmed. The Sanskrit and kanji leapt up from the floor and imprinted themselves on the two subjects of the ritual, with Timmy and the shadow becoming photo negatives of the other. Finally, the candle flared far beyond what a normal candle could normally do as shadow and genin fused into one being. The shadow's personality gave it a face and a body, but the only trace of its existence was a tattoo that wrapped itself around Timmy's arms and torso. The candle snuffed itself out and the genin collapsed to the floor, tearing at his skin and screaming in agony.

"I told you it was going to hurt," Tetsukane said with a grin. "The pain of a shadow brand will pass soon enough. You now know everything that it knew. Don't worry about the shadow, Timmy. Even the independent ones must be kept in line. That pain is just you getting all of its memories as it ceases to exist."

Timmy rolled to one side and shuddered. On his back was a tableau of a monk being thrown as a plaything by a black dragon and a blue tortoise. The dragon's and tortoise's playing had stirred up the sea and the stars, sending them into great waves clashing behind the monk. Tetsukane hunkered down and looked as the picture slowly stopped moving, the monk's face stretched with fear. Eventually both the picture and the ninja calmed. Timmy rolled to his stomach and pushed himself up groggily.

"Shadows and stars, hmm?" Tetsukane asked. "I should like to see gifts the shadow branding has given you."

"We'll find out, sensei," the genin said. "But first I get my new name."

Tetsukane nodded. "You shall have it before you get your mission." The old man gestured to the door. "Before that, though, rest. Your testing will begin tomorrow."

Tetsukane walked through the practice yards of Jizoku no Himitsu's main compound. He always smiled slightly at the looks of the people who expected the formal name to be the House of Secrets, not the Continuation of Secrets. the family was named after what they do, not that they were a family. Many people used the word 'shizoku' or 'clan' when they first dealt with the family. Over time, they realized that 'continuation' or 'jizoku' was indeed more appropriate. Lady Aoi's family made it their mission to determine what secrets should continue being secrets and which should be exposed. They preferred theft and assassination to keep things quiet as opposed to blackmail and extortion, but they were experts with that as well. In addition, they had a knack for uncovering things that people wanted hidden, then exposing them when the advatage was useful. Tetsukane was now searching for a suitable group to reveal what was in those bank vaults in St. Martial.

He'd need a distraction, so he stopped at a nearby shooting lane. Timmy, the amusingly-named genin from Mother Aoi's personal bodyguard was busy trying to gain some consistency in his attack patterns. He was always a step or two early in releasing his shuriken, so he usually made a better distraction than an actual fighter. He got his name from his perpetual enthusiasm for taking risks no matter how bad his chances for survival. The genin reminded people of a spunky young lab assistant, more interested in pleasing his boss than in actually trying to do the work assigned. Perhaps he'd make a good distraction. The old trainer created a new list in his mind. One was for possible members of the bank team, the other was for a team designed to draw attention away from the bank.

"Timmy," Tetsukane said in a grandfatherly way to the ninja, "would you like to earn a better name?"

"Would I ever!" Timmy said excitedly. "You have no idea how happy that would make me!"

"Good, good," Tetsukane said. "I have a need for your talent and enthusiasm. You'd have to step down from Lady Aoi's bodyguard detail for this mission, though."

"I'll do whatever it takes!" Timmy said. "I'll do just about anything to rid myself of this stupid name!"

Tetsukane smiled and scratched his chin. The idea for the distraction was forming even more.

Mother Aoi sat at a low table in the receiving hall where she would meet and dine with guests. Her Master of Training, an old elite jounin known as Tetsukane sat at her side with a defensive frown. On the other side, a man in a well-appointed winter suit sat with a businesslike fake smile on his face.

"Tell me what you've found, Onita," Mother Aoi said. "You're the bank manager, after all."

A sound like sand through a sieve began to emanate from Onita as he took a more shadowy form, almost that of a photo negative. "I've searched his mind, Lady Aoi, and what little I have gleaned from this one is that there are many numbered accounts. He did see your husband arrive and leave. We know an account exists. This one is too honest, though. He watched as your husband keyed in a code. He took no pains to actually look at the combination. We do at least know the number."

Mother Aoi sat back. "We know the number. We can find the vault or at least the safe deposit box," she said with a smile.

Onita's shadowy double smiled, this time more raggedly. He took a fountain pen out of the banker's pocket and wrote down the account number. "This is the information you wished for, Lady Aoi. I trust it's to your satisfaction?"

Mother Aoi nodded. "Take your reward. I will need for you to search through more bankers for their memories, then be sure to return them here for the information retrieval." She turned to her advisor. "Tetsukane, who are our best cryptologists, safecrackers, and shapeshifters? Bring the best of each to me. I shall need them to empty out whatever accounts are found by Onita."

Tetsukane nodded. "At once, Honored Mother. I have three in mind as of this moment."

"Retrieve them from their assignments, as I'll want every structure of the account looked over for clues as to its location within a vault," the ninja warlord said. "I want whatever is in there. My son wishes to know what's in there. I wish to have it in my possession before he ever learns of its value. Then we will be able to sway him to our side as it should be."

Tetsukane nodded. The shadow and body known as Onita disappeared into another shadow.

The old trainer looked at his leader. "Onita is very happy to assist you, is he not?"

"He is a shadow. I gave him a name. It has separated him ever so slightly from the mass consciousness of the greater shadow. He's able to have a personality, though at a great cost," Mother Aoi said. "I think the trade-off is easy for him. A Hungry Shadow has his own existence at the cost of feeding off of the humans he inhabits. The ability to be his own person is worth the murders in his eyes."

The banker's body slumped forward at his desk in his rarely-visited cubicle at the St. Martial Banking Enclave. While concerned co-workers got up to check on the banker, none noticed as the banker's shadow grew fainter and fainter until it disappeared completely. None remarked on the chill they felt as a bit of shadow streaked underfoot.

Onita smiled to itself. He'd be at the next bank soon, and he could feed once again.

As an idea of what the Amazing Chen's voice sounds like, take the voice of the character Pegasus from the first season of Yu-Gi-Oh / James from Pokemon (if they're not the same voice actor, I'd be surprised) and add in a bit of this guy, a bit player from the Jack Benny Show by the name of Frank Nelson. Take those voices, mix them up, and then turn them UP TO 11!!!

Also, The Amazing Chen is now fighting crime and footwear fashion don'ts in the streets of Galaxy City. So if you see a turquoise blur pass you by, it might just be him.

The Amazing Chen is an old NPC I made for an old teen heroes campaign in a friend's game universe.

I need the ability (cheap and/or free) to record voice over background music and then I could give you the audio track in my Amazing Chen AMAZING VOICE!

I could also do the ad I always wanted to do for THE AMAZING CHEN'S AMAZING SMOOOOOTH JAZZ FESTIVAL!!!

((Want an idea of what the average Paragon City cable viewer sees during the local tv sponsorship sections of commercial breaks? No? Too bad, here it is anyway)

*The scene opens with a standard view of the front of a local shoe store. Suddenly, an Asian gentleman of indeterminate age leaps into the shot flamboyantly, his shimmery turquoise suit and sparkly green shoes reflecting sunlight like an annoying blue-green disco ball.*

"Hi! I... am THE AMAZING CHEN and I invite you to shop at THE AMAZING CHEN'S BIG AND FREAKY SHOE STORE!"

*The Amazing Chen throws down a smoke bomb and as the smoke fades, the camera is now inside a TARDIS-like shoe store. Shoes of all shapes and sizes line the acres and acres of racks and displays. The Amazing Chen continues his tour.*

"Many of you may have heard of me, THE AMAZING CHEN, during my career as a stage magician and private eye. I've given all that up to pursue my dream hobby of creating and selling THE GREATEST SHOES KNOWN TO HEROKIND!"

*To demonstrate, The Amazing Chen picks up a solid red pair of pumps that are about as big as his forearm.*

"LADIES! Having trouble finding the styles you want in your size? Well, as you can see, these -oof!- dainty size 3s made for Gigantina are SIMPLY PERFECT for that night of crimefighting and looking SO GOOD! Whatever you say your shoe size is, ladies, WE WILL MAKE IT FIT!"

*The Amazing Chen puts the shoes back on the stand, which collapses under the weight of the shoes.*

"And the MATERIALS! Oh, the materials! Worried that your shoes won't match that perfect dress you just HAD TO HAVE? Try our new REFRACTO genetically engineered shoe leather!"

*A message on the screen flashes: 100% Cruelty-Free! (to non-Rikti)*

"With REFRACTO technology, there's no need for stinky dyes or embarrassing mishaps that make your skin all blotchy! Just use the patented REFRACTO-WAND to make your shoes EXPLODE WITH COLOR!"

*The Amazing Chen taps a shoe with his Refracto-Wand while standing daintily on one tiptoe*

"REFRACTO!"

*The shoe changes from black patent leather to a medium blue. He taps it again.*

"Even the texture changes, too! REFRACTO!"

*The shoe changes from a smooth dark blue to a natural alligator skin, if natural alligator skin was glittery pink. The Amazing Chen turns to the screen, still smiling.*

"They look good, feel good and are rated NJIA Level IV for small arms resistance! Top THAT, Prada!"

*The Amazing Chen spins around and disappears, only to re-appear in the Men's Department.*

"Don't think I, THE AMAZING CHEN, would EVER leave my gentleman clients in the lurch!"

*A picture appears of a giant pit marked "The Lurch" with an arrow that says "You are here" pointing to the bottom.*

"I have all the latest styles, colors and fabrics! I even include my new REFRACTO FOR MEN line in this year's selection!"

*A combat boot appears first in black, then shifts to white arctic camouflage, then to MARPAT digital camo, then to sunburst yellow with red flames rising from the soles.*

"We've even got hard-to-find styles such as these!"

*A list appears: Winged Boots, Rocket Boots, Piston Boots, Pistov Boots (ha ha, a little shoe-industry joke), Nike, Bridgestone, and Michelin Speedster Soles*

"And ATTENTION, robots and full-conversion cyborgs! Have WE got a DEAL FOR YOU! Our Mechanical Transport Service Center can do full cyberpodiatry as well as rotating and replacing worn soles! Just ask one of our satisfied customers!"

*Hephaestus 1 appears on screen. He uses the help-I-am-being-forced-to-read-cue-cards voice*

"Hello. I am Hephaestus 1. I star in a reality show. On A and E. Here at--"

*Hephaestus 1 opens his arms wide to draw attention to the store, and still speaks in a monotone.*

"The Amazing Chen's Big and Freaky Shoe Store, I can make a one stop shop for all my foot fashion needs. Which are not many because of my big metal feet. Ha. Ha."

*The Amazing Chen appears in a puff of smoke with his arms wrapped around Heph's neck like he's some kind of turquoise man-cape. He pops his head up from behind Heph and continues.*

"Ha ha INDEED, Hephaestus 1! While we may be kings of witty banter, our prices are NO JOKE!"

*The Amazing Chen winks in an exaggerated manner, while Heph's head mounted searchlamps tap out "Help. Being hugged by scary magician in ugly suit. Send beer and girlfriend. Hurry." in Morse Code. The Amazing Chen continues:*

"So come on down to THE AMAZING CHEN'S BIG AND FREAKY SHOE STORE! Our savings-"

*Golden confetti falls in from above the shot. Heph's lights tap out "S-O-S. I need an adult. I need an adult. S-O-S." The Amazing Chen finishes.*

"- ARE NO ILLUSION!"

*The commercial ends with a still shot of The Amazing Chen's Big and Freaky Shoe Store, with its listing of an address (in a very tony part of Talos Island), phone number, and website.*

Hephaestus 1 and Larry McGonigle sat at Larry's desk in the Rhode Island District Courts building. Heph was drumming his giant metal fingers on the desk, his head propped up in the other hand. Larry was surfing the internet.

"Man," Heph said, "I'm bored. We haven't gotten any papers to serve for a couple of days now."

Larry looked over at his big blue cyborg companion. "You're bored? You have no idea what I'm going through. I haven't been to the Paragon Film Partners Studio in five weeks! We were supposed to have two movies in the can by now!"

"Uhm, you're not supposed to be filming in bathrooms. At least I don't think you are," Heph said.

"You know what I meant!" Larry snapped. "At this rate, Brick Landers' greatest film to date, "Brick Landers IS Brick Mendacious in SORORITY SAUNA GLADIATORS 2!" will never be finished."

"Sorority Sauna Gladiators?" Heph asked.

"It's a historical film. I play the tough-but-well-meaning third assistant oil-warmer, Ammonius Vindex. Brick Landers wanted to do a film that captured the gritty essence of the lives of gladiators in the later Roman Empire."

"So, instead of guys in helmets and speedos hacking each other with swords, he's showing it through college-aged girls who have towel-snapping fights in a steam room?" Heph asked.

"Yes, it's very avant-garde," Larry answered.

"Right."

"Some of the scenes are graphically intense, so it's not for kids," Larry added.

Heph just stared at Larry.

"What?"

"Look, Larry, I'm going to be direct once more to you. Your company produces low-budget schlock films. The fact that this one will be nothing but women in various states of undress will never change the fact that your company makes lousy movies."

"Well, our writers-"

"Writers? HA!" Heph said. "You've got some kid who scribbles something down on a napkin and then passes it to Brick. Brick, being like the object after which he is named, then proceeds to not understand what the movie about and just makes stuff up. This isn't writing. It's a sham!"

Larry's eyes narrowed. "You'll see, O'Flannagan. When I'm at the Academy Awards making my acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor, I'll be sure to point out how jealous you are."

"See, here's where I wish I could smile," Heph said. "Guess who's up for an Emmy for 'Best Non-Intelligence-Insulting Reality Series?' Oh, wait, that'd be MY show!"

"So, there's a 'Best Intelligence-Insulting Reality Show' award out there?" Larry asked.

"Yes. It looks like VH1, MTV, E! and Fox all have seven or eight nominees each."

"Wow. Competitive field," Larry said.

"All I'm saying is that even when I get stuck with the stupid cases, I try to show that living an honest and humble life will not get you busted for making an [censored] of yourself on television. It's not the greatest of moral lessons, but it's one that more people should heed," Heph said. "My show is leaps and bounds better than the other crap on tv."

"What shows are you going up against?" Larry asked.

"Well, there's 'Phone Jockey,' showing life in a call center and 'Math In Action,' where Number Cruncher goes on the road to teach people what kinds of math and science they use every day, often without knowing it," Heph said. "Did you know he was an actual calculus professor prior to becoming a superhero? I'm going to have a tough time against his show."

Larry kept surfing. "It says here the front runners for the other category are 'Countess Crey Laughs At Poor People,' 'Rikti Swap,' 'My Daddy Is Rich and Buys Me Stuff You Can't Afford So Screw You, Peasant,' 'Not Having Reservations at Expensive Restaurants Is Just Like Being Homeless,' 'Silicone Breasts, Silicon Brain: The Life of Robo-Stripper,' 'Sanctimonious Man Is Superior And Knows How You Should Live,' 'I Have No Talent And I Must Be On Screen,' and 'Who Wants to Eat Through a Straw?' Wow. Those just don't sound very good."

"And yet people watch them," Heph said.

Larry clicked something on the screen. "Hey, it's Mitch and Clem! They did one of those silent protest videos."

Heph looked at the screen, watching his camera and sound man as they ranted and raved for this internet video. Heph clicked on the computer's speakers and both he and Larry were bombarded by a profanity-laced tirade heretofore unheard by most of the District Courts staff. One of the women in the office ran for the bathroom, covering her ears.

"No, man, you just had the sound off," Heph said. "Mitch and Clem aren't into symbolic gestures unless it's flipping someone off."

"You have a point," Larry said as he turned the speakers down. "Hey, it's time for lunch. Let's hit Steers and Beers. I want a steak."

Heph nodded as he stood up. "Yeah, sounds good to me."

The two men walked out of the office and into the winter weather.

((She would be, but Mother Aoi has two sons, the Cobalt Claymore and another who went missing a while back. The M stays.))

[ QUOTE ]
[I'll wait and see. I think it'll end well, but in the very long run]

[/ QUOTE ]

((Son of a swashbuckling hero with a mean streak vs. his evil ninja MILF of a mother? There's gonna be lots of fighting involved.))