Steelclaw

It’s probably a good thing that only video game sprites are allowed in the City of Heroes games… The game would be a LOT harder and less fun if people afflicted with that horrible disease known as “reality” were allowed in there…

• “Hey Frank… I was just thinking… this warehouse is absolutely FILLED with boxes and crates… How about we use one of the ones that DON’T glow and make noise to hide all our important stuff? I know the boss is worried about not being able to find it ourselves.. but I’m pretty sure I could remember where I put it.”

• “Umm… What are you doing?” “I’m giving you my purse… here take it…” “But… but why?” “Because you threatened to kill me if I didn’t give it to you… do you honestly think I believe keeping the ten bucks in there is worth risking my life?” “Okay Lady... you are SERIOUSLY creeping me out here… just keep the thing… okay?”

• “Yeah, sure buddy… I’ll take ‘influence’ for this piece of technology… suuuuuure… now if you’re done being Captain Comedian why don’t you fork over the ten large?”

• “So, you’re ready to train up to the next level huh? Excellent! I’ll just set you up for every Tuesday and Thursday from 6pm to 8pm… Once we’ve trained together for a few weeks I’ll test you to see if you’re ready… Then, when you pass your leveling up test… I’ll send the paperwork to the Security Clearance Commission; they’ll review it and you should get Security Clearance level two about 2 to 4 weeks later! Once again, congratulations!”

• “Some heroes you people are! I’ve watched at least fifty of you guys just walk over that little round piece of metal… I know you’re aware it’s there because most of you look down at it and one even said ‘oh there’s the badge!’… but you just walk on by without picking it up… not picking up litter is as bad as putting it there in the first place… I finally got tired of it and tossed it in that trash can over there… What do you mean now you have to update Vidiot Maps?”

• “A giant octopus?! Oh my goodness! This species must be the rarest on earth… this may be the last of its kind! We have to protect it! What are you doing?! Don’t fight it! It’s endangered! I’ll have a court injunction to shut down all water travel in Independence Port within the hour!”

• “Ah, here’s your problem right here… The goofball what built dese War Walls done put the on/off switch right out in the open, see? I bet if you checked the security video you’d see dem Rikti ‘portin’ down right next to it to switch ‘em off right before every invasion. I can re-wire this baby to a more secure location for ya in no time.”

• “I tell ya Walter we could make millions! Think about it! No need for parachutes… no need for air planes… we got NO overhead at all! It’s all pure profit! I swear… the day I thought of setting up a sky diving school in the Shadow Shard was the best day of my life!”

• “Eddie, check me on something here… So… we’re planning on setting fire to this building right? And we’re doing it now because there’s a bank robbery going down and we’re using the robbery as cover. Okay, I got that part… but… Eddie.. you just set the bombs to go off in three minutes… and we’re just standing here waiting… don’t you think we should leave? What do mean ‘we have to wait until the hero gets here?’ Eddie… your momma dropped you on your head as a child, didn’t she?”

• “Why is the sky turning red? Oh my Gawd! Zombies are springing up out of the ground! Is it the end of times? What does this mean?! Huh? Wait a second… you mean to tell me that a hero got a new outfit and that caused a small zombie apocalypse? My goodness… if Icon ever has a Going Out of Business Sale it may mean the end of humanity as we know it.”

• “Heya! I’m Morgan and I’m the new manager of the Atlas Park AE Corps. I used to be the district manager of the entire east coast division of Chuck E. Cheese restaurants. You may have noticed a few changes under our new structure. For example; you will now be unable to redeem your tickets for inspirations, salvage or recipes… however a thousand of the suckers WILL get you this lovely teddy bear wearing a pink heart tee shirt!”

• “Serge…. SERGE! Listen.. I know I’m the new employee and all that… but I’m afraid this just flat-out isn’t going to work for me. What’s the PROBLEM!? Listen, I am okay with designing robotic exoskeletons… I can handle putting collars on giant bi-pedal wolf-things… I can EVEN live with putting ‘auras’ on people… but I don’t care if they bought the Science Booster or not.. there is no WAY I am qualified to perform sex-change operations!!”

Regarding The Undefeated Champion...

I agree that PL's and Farmers could exploit this... however that could be rectified by a couple methods...

1) The bonus does not function while the Champion is lackeyed or sidekicked.

2) The bonus "scales" depending on the difficulty settings the player has active. If they have no bosses, no AVs, play as though 8 man team at -1 level difficulty they get a very low (if any) bonus and if they are set to bosses/AVs/1 man team/+5 levels they get a much larger bonus.

Another idea I had regarding Undefeated Champion is a badge by the same name. Everyone gets the badge... it's a freebie... However the honor of having it comes not from the badge itself.. but the number that follows it... The number continues to climb for every level (combat level) you attain prior to your first defeat. Once you are defeated the number freezes never to increase again.

Just for style points it would have be a Roman numeral.

Undefeated Champion XXV

Undefeated Champion XIV

etc

(Semi-witty introductory monologue deleted)

* Non-Contact mission starts: You rescue a mugging victim while street sweeping and they ask for another favor. One of the street thugs you just thumped had a clue on them that leads to an abandoned warehouse. Instead of walking by and praising your name; a Civilian walks up to you and tells you about something they saw/heard. While running by a building you hear gunfire/a snatch of conversation/etc that comes from the building itself and when you try the door it opens!

* A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to...: The trains/ferries are great ways to get from zone to zone but how many movies/comics have you seen where something bad went down on the trip? Bad things happening on subways is a movie cliche. A mini-map appears and you find yourself battling up towards the front of the train to take out the bad guy who's captured the conductor. Or you're running around the ferry trying to beat up all the tentacles that are attempting to drag it under. This would have an automatic feature that would NOT start one of these if you were on a timed mission. It would also have a toggle to turn it off from the options menu.

* Death Traps: I'm a silver-age fan and those heroes were ALWAYS being trapped inside giant hour glasses with falling/suffocating sands, strapped to rockets being launched at cities and dropped into pits filled with various mutant carnivores. Sleeping gas or some knock-out agent as soon as you enter the mission map then you wake up to find yourself in a death trap. There is a count-down timer before it goes off. You need to click glowies, destroy objects, defeat robots, etc before you run out of time. The death trap maker was nice enough to tell you during his monologue exactly what needs to be done. If you fail then you end up in the hospital; but your debt amounts are double that of a street sweeping death.

* Rescuing/Kidnapping Tweeks: I wouldn't mind being a kidnap "victim" in Paragon. They always seem to be just standing around talking to their captors. Sure, some of them cower, but I figure those are just naturally nervous anyway. Put the victim in a death trap. Put them in a prison cell. Heck, chain them into a teleporting device that blips from location to location until you wreck the computer that operates it. ANYTHING but have me feel like a jerk for interrupting their conversation when I "rescue" them. As for kidnapping on villain-side... We have the "throw the body over your shoulder and walk slowly" emote with the Wormy mission. Why not let us do that? It's more realistic if we're dragging this poor schlep to his doom... We could throw them down when a battle begins and pick 'em back up once done.

* Life Long Themes: Superman was ALWAYS rescuing Lois and Jimmy Olsen. Captain America was constantly fighting off para-military organizations trying to rule the world. Some heroes/villains just can't seem to get away from one defining characteristic. This is more roleplaying than function and should be optional. At character creation you can select a Theme; Hero's Ally, Playboy/girl, Organized Crime, Toughest Around, etc. These won't be the ONLY missions you get, but your character will lean towards those kinds. For example if you took the Playboy/girl and you selected females as your preferred focus... If you brought up your radio missions you would be guaranteed of at least one of them being a rescue the damsel mission. When people offer to introduce you to a contact the lovely female contacts will always be the first ones offered. Like I said, it's primarily role play but a fairly easy tool to implement and a great way of immersing yourself into a character.

* Branching Missions: We all know what they are so I won't go into it here. I want them however... I want them badly.

* Unknown Mission Objectives: At least at mission start. It never made any sense to me that when I enter a building armed only with my contact's advice that "something strange is happening there" I am somehow able to know exactly how many people I need to save and how many glowies need to be clicked. A little mystery might be nice. If I rescue the first hostage and they say "Thank you! But I'm not the only one in trouble! There were five of us here researching the anomaly... You need to help them too!" And another rescued hostage might say "I can get out on my own, but you HAVE to retrieve the data from the computer! That's why the Council invaded in the first place!" It would make the missions grow much more organically and make it seem less like a shopping list mission structure.

* Training Facility: Instead of a lone hero/arbiter standing out in the open, how about an actual building at which to train to higher levels? Target ranges, training dummies, weight benches, etc. How about developer-created testing programs specifically made for individual ATs? You run a blaster through a mini-game where they shoot targets of bad guys or civilians, hit too many civies and you fail the test. Passing the test does not award experience points, but instead extends the x1.5 xp bonus out another bub for every level of success. You can only take these tests when training up a level or (if the rewards are exceptional) every 5th level. Perhaps they could be set in the current Arena buildings... may as well get some use out of them.

* The Undefeated Champion: Personally, I have always felt faceplanting was a bad thing. The whole concept of any game is to NOT have your character die. The badges awarded for paying off debt have always seemed ludicrous to me as well... gee... lookit that... I got an award for losing! They are the "Participant" ribbons of City of Heroes. To heck with that.. I want the Trophy! So... I believe a special bonus should be given to any hero or villain who manages NOT to be defeated. As long as you can maintain an undefeated (hardcore) status you get a bonus to earned influence/prestige. In RP terms this would mean that people are aware that you haven't been taken down yet and admire you for it. The bonus should be substantial too... perhaps +50 to 100% the normal rewarded amount.

Anyway, just a few things that percolated through my mind as I woke up today. It wasn't a joke-list... but it was a list... so I guess I got it half right.

* It is now a Starbucks.

* It was discovered that Tabitha was not Fab... only Fab-ish... and traffic started to dwindle.

* When Pandora's Box opened... all sorts of bad things started happening to Tabitha.

* One too many people asked her for the "Book of 1001 Card Tricks"... She'll re-open once her prison term is up.

* Tabitha invested all her money in her new softdrink "Curse-a Cola"... It failed despite her catchy ad slogan "The taste of a New Mutation!"

* The re-emerging Midnight Squad signed an exclusivity contract with Pandora's Box... Tabitha responded by signing one with the Paragon City Chapter of the Harry Potter Fan Club.

* Tabitha's horrible fight with Pangeon Soil addiction.

* Desperate sales gimmicks like "Buy a book and we'll throw in a magical creature for free!" didn't work... although making the magical creature a Bookworm MAY have had something to do with it.

* There was some Origin confusion... the "We'll download our spellbooks onto your Ipod" promotion may have contributed to that.

Oh what the heck...

Male, 39.8192 years old, self-made tournament style player (don't ask)

28 males
25 females

26 heroes
27 villains

Total play time for CURRENT tournament (if I had sat at the computer and done nothing but play):
3 weeks
2 days
0 hours
15 minutes

Total number of times I've scrapped the entire tournament and started over from scratch because I had a "better" way of playing it (including deleting ALL characters to reset):
3

Total number of spreadsheets currently used to track the tournament:
72

Number of jokes/lies/fabrications in this post:
0

So I was thinking again… sorry… and I found myself wondering about the more “normal” professionals in Paragon City or Rogue Isles… what they might encounter in their daily lives..

Specifically I was wondering what might be said by various heroes, villains and civilians while sitting on their Psychiatrist’s couch…

So… Things heard by Psychiatrists in City of Heroes…

• Port Oakes Construction Worker: “You don’t understand… I’m not saying the work SEEMS like it’s taking forever… the work IS taking forever! Every morning when I come in the work I did the day before is all undone! I swear I’m not crazy!”

• Steel Canyon Fire Chief: “I… I guess I just feel overworked you know, Doc? I mean… there’s no fires anywhere else in the city… but in Steel Canyon? Ten or twelve a day! And always the same buildings!! And the BUDGET restraints!! The city council won’t give me the money for personnel… they won’t give me the money for a fire truck! I have to carry a pallet of extinguishers out to the fire and beg heroes to help me… I… I don’t sleep anymore… when I try all I hear is the sound of Hellions laughing…”

• Fusionette: “Hey Doc… Glad you could see me today… I really wanna talk about how I get no respect in this city… Everyone always makes fun of me and says I’m not dependable and I’m too easily distracted… What? I missed my appointment? It’s not my fault! I got Lost on the way here! No, I don’t mean I couldn’t find it… I mean I got captured by the Lost!”

• Paragon City Bus Driver: “I feel so unreal most of the time… It’s almost like I don’t exist at all… I see evidence that I MUST exist here and there around me… but… it all seems like a lie somehow…”

• Radiation Defender: “I’ve been having some self-esteem issues lately Doc… I mean.. all I hear is Healorz Healorz Our Team Needz Healorz… And I try to tell them I have a heal.. but… well.. it seems so inadequate to what they really want… even when I get on a team it always feels like a pity-invite… I try to tell myself it’s all in my head… that I AM respected… that I DO contribute to the team… but then my own team mates kill my debuff anchor before anyone else…”

• City Representative: “It’s disrespectful… that’s what it is! I have a name… I have a beautiful name… but do they ever call me by it? Noooo… They only call me by my job title! What’s that? You need my name for billing purposes? Oh. Er… Umm… last name Reprezentateef... first name Sitay… It’s French…”

• Troll: “Me am depressed… Me am pretty sure me used to be smarter than me am now… Me am stronger… But me now got anger management issues… Me pretty sure me not used to be this color too… It am true what they say… It am not easy being green…”

• Rikti: “Emotional status: Depressed. Mate: Angry. Mate’s request: Divorce. Personal possessions: Half. Future possessions: Alimony. Reason cited for Divorce: Communication issues.”

• Hellion: “Everyone says I have a problem… it’s not a PROBLEM.. I just like fire a little bit… that’s all… So what if I set fire to some old abandoned warehouse? No one’s using it.. I just want to watch the pretty fire… the lovely flames.. the.. flicker… the smell of smoke… mmmm… those beautiful shooting sparks… uhh… Doc… can I have a moment or two alone in your bathroom? Oh… and can I borrow your lighter?”

• Paragon Protector: “The scientists at the lab tell me that the voices I hear are ‘false memories’… that it’s impossible for me… as a clone… to have any real memories from the hero my genetic material came from… but I don’t think that’s it at all… I think they’re REAL memories… I think I’m reincarnated and in a past life I was Judy Garland.”

• Scirocco: “I’m so conflicted… On the one hand I want to be good! I want to be a hero and rid the world of evil… But… there’s that curse… and I am forced to only do evil acts with my powers… I am so depressed all the time… I wrote a poem about it… would you like to hear it? My sessions over? No it’s not… I have 15 minutes left… Your clock right there on the wall says it’s quarter of… What do you mean it’s broken?”

• Sister Psyche: “Well… I was going to talk about a fight my husband and I had last night… but I sense you are terribly upset about something doctor… something about your son… why don’t we talk about that?”

• Lord Recluse: “I always thought this whole ‘survival of the fittest’ thing was the best possible way to surround myself with the strongest allies in existence… but look at what I have… a freak who doubles my food budget all by himself and always smells like fish… an ******** who thinks World War 2 ‘didn’t take it far enough’…and then there’s Angsty McAngsterton… the only one who is worth anything at all is Ghost Widow… and SHE’S dead!”

• Nemesis: “Doc… have you ever felt like everyone in the world was plotting against you? Well… I don’t feel like that… actually I feel exactly the opposite at times… I feel as though *I* were plotting against EVERYONE in the world…”

The Battle Cry… Screamed harbinger of doom… Heroic warning to evil-doers… Villainous promise of death to do-gooders…

Whether a witty catch-phrase… a terrifying threat of violence… or just an incoherent throat-wrenching shriek of rage… the Battle Cry is an excellent manner in which to start combat.

Usually…

What follows are some less-than-excellent choices…

• (Tanks) “Dogpile on the Blaster!!”

• (Empathy Defender) “RA up in 4 minutes 29 seconds… 4 minutes 28 seconds….”

• “Dangit I broke a nail! Healer! HEALER!!”

• “733t 5kr@pr g’na r0xx0r5 ur yoonivurz!11!!one!” (by the time your team mates figure out what you were trying to say you’ve faceplanted without their support)

• “Don’t hurt me!!”

• (Mastermind) “You guys go ahead.. I have to re-summon my pets… I don’t like this version of the Arsonist”

• “Dibs on the glowie!”

• (Stalker) “Attack? Do you know vulnerable I am once out of Hide?!”

• “Why can’t we all just get along?!”

• “Don’t attack me! I’m Going Rogue as soon as I can.. I swear!”

• (Defender or Tanker) “I’ve maxed out nothing but my secondary… NOW you’re gonna pay!”

• (Defender) “I’ve set the Sapper as my debuff anchor… Kill him last!”

• “Burn baby burn! No wait… Freeze villain!... No… Dangit.. Which Alt am I playing again?!”

• (Various Generic’d characters) “Thunder… Thunder… Thundercats… HOOOO!” “By the power of Grayskull….” “Yooooo Joe!” “Transform and roll out!” “Carebear Stare!!” “Bring it on you MotherSmurfer!”

• “Oh! Mean people! I am going to give you SUCH a pinch!”

• (Itty bitty pixie scrapper with rapier dual blades) “Prepare to be pierced by my pixie *****!”

• “Danged Wizard gave me second rate Courage!”

• “I’ll protect the rear in case of ambush!”

• “You guys start this group… I’ll herd the map here for ya…” also known as “Hey guys… watch my NPC ally impression!”

• “Thank goodness I have SuperSpeed in case I need to esca… er.. go for help.”

Easter Eggs in funny places?


...


....


.....


Ouch.


...



Freak job Easter Rabbit

Few more..

* No matter how much you love the game... Don't interrupt a wake and ask if you can "borrow it just long enough for some Vengeance"

* City of Villains... No... NOT New York

* City of Angels my a**

* Paragon City Animal Control: Help control the Cat-Girl population.. Have your rescuer spayed or neutered

* Rogue Island Police: The Deadly Ripper.... "Go ahead punk... Pull my finger..."

* My dad was a super hero... Mom was an arch-villain... Me? I'm Goin' Rogue...

* Don't laugh at my shirt... It won me a Costume Contest under Atlas

* My super power? X-Ray vision... Nice tattoo

* My super power? X-Ray vision... Smiley face boxers... Cute

* My super power? Mind Reading... The restraining order will be filed tomorrow

* My super power? Invisibility... see you tonight

* My super power? I was bitten by a radioactive porn star

* My super power? Growth... Localized growth...

* My super power? Storm Summoning... All I have to do is plan a picnic

* Fire Kin Controllers: The only farmer who burns the crop to harvest it

* Gravity Controllers and Propel: Because sometimes you just want everyone to know you were there

* Paragon City: Why no one f**ks with Rhode Island

* City of Heroes: Because City of Blue Steel would have chased all the villains away

* Pardon me, I'm lost... Could you help me find my MasterMind?

* Women are all Dominators: They hold a guy for a while... the guy sees a blinding flash of light... bang... Dominated.

* I've had a bad day... go ahead... be the one to fill my fury bar

* Paragon City Bowling League: The Back Alley Bowlers

* The Boob Slider: Stick your chest out and be proud!

I know it is very unlikely that NCSoft would come out with a line of Tee Shirts... especially any T-Shirt *I* had a part in making.. heh... but that's not to stop industrious players from making their own!

So, with that in mind... here are a few concepts for Tee's that occurred to me...

• Time Flies When You’re Having Fun! But at 6th level it only hovers.

• I ran a Team Mayhem… 1 Bank was robbed, 12 cars were destroyed, 15 Cops were iced, 25 Parking Meters were wrecked… And all I got was this lousy tee shirt.

• This “Reality” MMORPG SUCKS!

• My other suit is Spandex

• (Superman’s “S” emblem… with a big black GENERIC’D written over it)

• $$ Operating under the Influence $$

• Don’t blame me… I voted for Lord Recluse.

• I’m a Nemesis Plot-Hole

• Would someone PLEASE Power-Level me to CEO already?!

• Your PUG or mine?

• Will Buff for food

• The Shadow Shard sent me back… They said I was too strange for them.

• This Cruise Ship goes to the ROGUE Islands?! That explains the cheap ticket price…

• I’m a Tank in spirit… A MasterMind in intellect… And a Corrupter in bed…

• Shhhh… You can’t see me… I have Hide toggled

• I shook Blue Steel’s hand… I’ll never wash this hand again! Seriously… It repels water now.

• Silver Mantis Fan Club (Shirt is nearly torn to shreds)

• I’m not slow… I’m suffering from Rikti Lag.

• Longbow: Because We’re Right And You’re Wrong

• Defenders do it in Groups

• Mercy Island: Why did it have to be snakes?

• I’m not evil… I’m red-side…

• Ouroboros University Class of ’09.. ’03.. ’22.. ’96..

• I Left My Heart in Cap Au Diable… also my spleen and one of my kidneys

• Hey Baby… Howzabout a little friendly PvP?

• Superadine: Just Say No

• Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and The Positron Task Force… like peas and carrots

• Mission Architect: All Your Copyrights Are Belong To Us

• Going Rogue: Because Meta-Beings Can Be Bi-Polar Too

I have a few PvP recipes I can share... here...

Dutch Scrapple Pie

Ingredients: 1 Brute(any), 1 Fire Dominator, 2 Regeneration Scrappers

Place 2 Scrappers in Fire, make sure they are on center rack. Keep well heated before introducing the Brute. Beat repeatedly. For extra flavor add Ice Blaster afterwards to make the pie A La Mode.


Duck A L'Orange

Ingredients: 1 Super Reflexes Brute or Scrapper, 1 POST-Issue 16 Energy Blast Blaster or Corrupter

Prior to mixing, ensure Energy Blaster/Corrupter's color scheme has been turned entirely orange. Place both ingredients into arena or pvp zone... now watch the SR dodge and "duck" a l'orange blasts.


Warburgers

Ingredients: One team of nothing but Brutes... One team of nothing but Controllers... Huge supply of Break Frees...

Prior to mixing ensure that the team of Brutes has every available inspiration slot filled with break frees. Place ingredients in "bowl" together. Space use of break frees so that protection never lapses. Watch Brutes turn Controllers into ground chuck. Once tenderized, launch Warburg missile and broil to preference.

This is to the anonymous individual who left me this truly inspiring message on my Rep tracker:

"Your pointless lists killed my cat. Please stop."

Well... there's really only one way to respond to that. Or.. actually... a list of ways to respond...

* There's actually a list that can help you with that; the 80's book "101 Uses for a Dead Cat."

* Actually, it wasn't my list. It was all the Animal P**n on your Favorites list. It was scared to death by what it thought that might mean for its future.

* It's not my fault your cat had a gimped build.

* It's my understanding that cat's have a Self-Rezz inherent power with 9 charges, so what are you complaining about?

* It's not all dead; it's only MOSTLY dead.

* I know it's a hard loss... but at least you have the other 83 cats in your house to comfort you through this trying time.

* Sorry, but your dog made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

* All things considered; apparently it was a mercy killing.

* I was framed! It was the hamster I swear! He's evil incarnate; don't let his little dance fool you!

* If it didn't die as a result of being beaten with a rotten-cottage-cheese-filled whiffle bat wielded by a grown man dressed in a pink tutu and oversized purple clown shoes while Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker played in the background at 72 rpm and a chorus of rabid howler monkeys provided the vocals.... then it wasn't me.

* Your mother can provide me with a rock-solid alibi.

* One small question... if your cat hates my lists so much... well... why was it reading them?

The players of City of Heroes/Villains are a lucky bunch; never think that we aren’t. Our beloved Development team has provided us with entertaining annual events in Halloween, Winter and Spring Fling.

However, it has been noticed by many that from the end of the Spring Fling in February to the beginning of the Halloween event in October, there is a very large void in which we have to wait… and wait… and wait…

Of course, we have the Rikti Invasions and occasional Double XP Weekend to help things along, but it’s just not the same…

So… a list…

(Yeah, I know, big surprise, right?)

Suggested Events to Plug The Calendar Gap:

Saint Patrick’s Day Event: At first this event doesn’t seem all that different from normal play, except you may now receive special Inspirations. The inspirations look much like a frosty mug of green beer. Popping the inspiration will grant a damage bonus, defense bonus and accuracy buff all while playing an Irish River-Dance song. It will also reduce the recharge time of powers during its effect. However, it will also track how many green beer inspirations are used. The more inspirations popped, the more the air around you starts to look like your seeing things through a heat mirage; a heat mirage with a greenish tint. After even more inspirations your character starts walking in the Stunned animation everywhere they go. Finally, after far too many beers have been used for any normal human being to survive, the character will undergo a special variety of Blindness. Instead of not being able to see specific enemies, the character will instead see them as Leprechauns. These spectral Leprechauns fight as the “real” enemies they are but one in 100 or so will suddenly run away from combat. If the player can chase down and destroy these “runners” the Leprechaun will relent and give them their “pot of gold” which will be a platinum level drop. Note: The green beer popping must be pretty constant since every 10 minutes without drinking… er… popping an inspiration will cause the cumulative total to drop by one as it is metabolized.

April Fool’s Day: The Developers already do a forum-based April Fool’s joke, but what about in-game? As far as I am concerned the event should NOT be combat based, but humor oriented. Lord Recluse appears under the Atlas Statue and, instead of fighting, simply performs the teabag emote and calls a costume contest. The Developers are running him so they can actually choose a winner if they like and reward them. Hamidon appears in Mercy Island, but doesn’t fight, he bounces around the zone as though he had maxed-out Super Jump and any character he lands on gets a salvage, inspiration and/or recipe drop. A Rikti Dance Party is announced in a zone. When the bombs drop they aren’t bombs but Juke Boxes that play boombox music while Rikti do dance emotes around them. If you join the dance party without attacking you get influence and prestige rewards; these rewards are given per every 10 seconds and if you can match the same dance emote as the Rikti you get double the normal reward. A Zombie Invasion where the Zombies spot the humans and run screaming in terror; immune as though they were Civilians. The object isn’t to kill them but to herd them into the various pens that also appear scattered about the zone. Rewards are given for the best teams of Zombie Herders. I offer my services to the development team if they want more ideas… heh.

Earth Day Event: You get influence and prestige for every piece of floating newspaper or trash that you collect. You will now be able to put out fires in hazard zones or the more destroyed areas of the Rogue Isles. Experience points and drops are rewarded for putting out fires. The event will also have Devouring Earth invasions where they will appear and begin… well… devouring the earth. Stop them from gnawing on the firmament and rescue our planet! Also those who use the Protest emote outside a factory or at the base of a smoke stack will earn a badge and influence.

Arbor Day Event: Every tree in every zone will come to life on a set schedule. Once alive it will not move around, but will attack everyone within reach. Each tree fights as a boss level opponent. Certain “special” trees will fight as Arch-Villains or Giant Monsters. Trees will scream such things as “How about I carve my initials into YOU?!”, “How thin do I need to slice you to make a sheet of paper?”, “Where’s a woodpecker when you need one?” and “Oh no.. you’re too close to a power line… better trim off a limb or two!” Yeah, I know that Arbor Day is when you’re supposed to PLANT a tree… but where’s the fun in that event?

Cinco De Mayo Event: See Saint Patrick’s Day. Replace Green Beer with Tequila. Replace Leprechauns with Chihuahuas. Replace Pot of Gold with Taco Bell Fun Pack.

Mother’s Day Event: A new contact is introduced to the game for this event. Although you never actually see her, you only have contact with her via cell phone. She gives out a large array of different missions. Including such well-loved and familiar titles as “You never call anymore”, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?”, “Don’t bother visiting since I’ll be dead soon anyway”, “The flowers were a nice thought even though they’ll be dead within a week”, “You mean I have a son/daughter? I nearly forgot” and “I put you through college so you could wear spandex and a cape in public?”

Father’s Day Event: Similar to the Mother’s Day Event but there’s only one mission available: “Take your mother out for the day so I can get a moment’s peace.” Villain side this is a bit different: “Kill your mother.”

Advantages to This New Version of City of Heroes/Villains:

* With relaxed requirements on graphics cards we'll finally be able to tap that Commodore 64 and Apple IIe market.

* Finally we won't have to wait for the last team member with the old computer to enter the mission.

* Costume contests just got a LOT easier to judge.

* Total Power Customization is now possible so long as you have Windows Paint and the patience to enter multiple panels of animation.

* You may have beaten a Hellion but you can TELL everyone it was Malta... who can tell?

* City of Heroes can now be played on your cell phone or IPod.

* Star Wars Legos fall to pieces engine will now replace Ragdoll physics.

* With graphics like this we're one step closer to those FREEEEEEM! visual sound effects!

* I don't think we'll need to worry about that teen rating any more.

* Boobslider will have three settings: .|. o|o and O|O

* We'll finally get the Stick Fighting Power Set... actually EVERY set will be Stick Fighting.

* MasterMinds on a team together will now have to color code their minions so they know which ones are theirs.

* With smileys and Cut N Paste technology you will finally be able to put facial expressions on your character!

Anyone who wants to make this one has my permission.. I've maxed out my story slots to 8 but already have ideas for stories that will max them out.

A lot of the things I think up while playing are purely visual in nature… There are a number of videos I would construct if I had the knowledge of how to do such things.. so… a new list…

Videos Steelclaw Would Make If He Just Had More Talent

Or… for my many detractors…

Videos Steelclaw Would Make If He Had Any Talent At All:

• I would take the song “Back Street’s Back” by the Back Street Boys and make a five member Boy-Band video featuring Statesman, Positron, Back Alley Brawler, Synapse and Manticore. To fit the usual boy-band “formula”, Positron would be the “sensitive one”, Synapse would be the “Funny one” and Manticore would be the “tough guy.” Yes, the video would have choreographed dancing and screaming fan-girls.

• I would get an old episode of the Three Stooges and record the sound track from it. I would then create a video to match the sound track using Lord Recluse as Moe, Scirroco as Larry and Captain Mako as Curly. (Mako as Curly fits mostly because of the voice of Jabberjaw from that late 70s cartoon show.) Recluse using his crab-arms for the slaps and whacks would be priceless. I would also make a separate video of Mako doing Curly’s “Battle with the Clam Chowder” routine.

• I would SO love to do a City of Heroes video for the song “Particle Man” by They Might Be Giants…

• Take some sound bites or perhaps a good solid section of sound track from MTV Cribs and put it to a tour of some of the rattier of the abandoned warehouses, derelict offices and such. “Yeah, I have this deluxe ice maker to keep my drinks cold, yo” to the back drop of certain rooms from the Frost Fire map, etc.

• Splice together every conversation that Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker ever had with one another. Then use it as sound for Lord Recluse and Statesman with appropriate emotes.

• Al Pacino’s speech from the end of The Devil’s Advocate where he says “God is an absentee landlord!”. Nemesis is the one giving the speech. During his oration Blue Steel steps in behind him. Nemesis turns… mutters an expletive… a scene of unimaginable violence follows.

• Back in the 80’s Billy Crystal did a comedy song called “You Look Mah-velous”… this would be the perfect song for a Malaise video.

• Beginning of Wizard of Oz where the Mayor of Munchkin City (played by Lord Recluse) and one of the Councilors (played by Black Scorpion) are arguing about whether the Witch is dead until the Coroner (played by Scirroco) shows up to settle the matter. Ghost Widow plays the Witch. The voices coming out of those villains alone would crack me up, but add Widow standing there rolling her eyes at their antics and we have gold.

• Video: Rikti. Audio: Marvin the Martian screaming about his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator!

• Video: Manticore courting Sister Psyche. Audio: Looney Tunes Pepe Le Pew in all his glory.

• Video: Synapse running through Paragon City. Audio: Speedy Gonzalez. Needless to say Synapse would HAVE to end up at Paragon’s best Mexican Restaurant.

• Audio: The theme music to Adam West’s 70’s version of Batman. Video: A series of Batman clones appearing in Atlas Park. When the BAM! WHAP! POW! would normally have appeared on the screen the word GENERIC’D! does instead and the clone appears genericized. At the final “na-na-na-na-NA BATMAN!” of the sound track a hero appears wearing a baseball uniform and carrying a bat… he is NOT generic’d.

So with the advent of Issue 16 we will be taking the first tentative steps into the realm of Power Customization. This is a good thing. I, for one, am looking forward to being able to color my powers whichever way I like to make my characters even more unique.

However…

It gets me thinking of where this could eventually lead… If somehow Power Customization could become absolute… If I could somehow program the appearance and actions of my powers… Hmmmm….

Steelclaw’s Power Customizations:

• Deluded Secret Service: Formerly known as Force Field Generation, this power would summon a contingent of Secret Service dressed in sharp black suits. These people would be deluded into thinking that the target of the power was the President of the United States. Any incoming attack would cause them to throw themselves in front of it screaming “I must protect the President!” Once they had taken enough damage to kill them they would enact a long, melodramatic death scene. “Is… is the President safe? Th… thank God… a… at least… the world.. will.. .. will still be safe… for… de…. Democracy… ack.”

• Wool Pants in Winter: Formerly known as Electricity Manipulation. This set would actually require a re-write of how the player moves. Instead of the usual running animation, the player will shuffle wherever he goes, scuffing his feet on the ground and briskly rubbing his wool pants’ legs together. Then, giggling madly, he will touch his target to discharge the static electricity he built up. This could also be used for Electrical Blast, I suppose, but the giggling would have to be escalated to a mad cackle.

• Belly Bucking Behemoth: Formerly known as Energy Manipulation. All that knockback in so many melee attacks… Repulsor blasts are so passé though. How about…. A Sumo Wrestler-sized guy with a bullseye target painted on his belly?! Instead of punching with glowing fists, this guy just leaps at you with his enormous beer gut and bumps you clear across the screen! For Build Up and Conserve Power animations he chugs a beer. I imagine this one would be the new Flavor of the Month over on Pinnacle.

• Violating the Teen Rating: Formerly known as Illusion Control. If this level of Power Customization ever appears in the game the Devs will probably just axe Illusion Control right out of the gate. It would be safer. Letting hormone-ridden adolescent boys (and girls) get their hands on a set that can create any illusion they like would probably get out of hand very quickly. On the other hand… The illusion of a BLEEP wearing a spiked BLEEP-on BLEEP and BLEEPING the BLEEP out of her enemies would make Spectral Wounds a bit more interesting. Also you can bet that every Phantom Army power would be six slotted with Recharge Reduction… or maybe Endurance.

• Homage to Lusca: Formerly known as Plant Control. Someone out there (not me.. not this time..) will be tempted to change all the vines and roots in this one into tentacles. You know, I’m beginning to re-think the whole Extreme Power Customization thing… between this power set and the Illusion Control re-make we’re going to end up as City of Hentai.

• All-You-Can-Eat-Night At Barney’s Bean Burrito Bistro: Formerly known as Radiation Emission. ‘Nuff said.

• Duct Tape Master: I was sitting here thinking of what would be a good set for Duct Tape application when I realized that almost ALL of them are! Duct Tape wrapped around the player for an excellent personal defense set. Duct Tape wrapped around others for a defense buffing Defender set. Duct Tape around your enemies for a Controller set! Heck, you can even Duct Tape wounds for an Empath set!! If it really caught on you’d end up seeing an entire team of vaguely humanoid gray blobs, hopping around awkwardly because their Duct Tape Defender taped their legs together.

• Drill Instructor Encouragement: Formerly known as Kinetics. Wearing the Smokey Bear and screaming at the approximate decibel equivalent of a 747 preparing for take off, the Drill Instructor Defender/Controller will not help their allies run faster, jump higher or fight harder… they’ll “encourage” them to do it themselves. You might want to turn your speaker volume way down for this one. My favorite animation will be the one for Inertial Reduction… which will show the Defender planting a swift boot to the affected player’s posterior, sending them into orbit.

And finally… how could we ignore the MasterMinds? Customization of the pets could lead to some rather… odd… choices:

• West Side Story Dance Team: Formerly known as Thugs. These guys will kick your a** and keep in rhythm all at the same time!
• Pandora’s Toy Box: Formerly known as Robotics. The low levels are made from Legos. The mids are those green plastic soldier toys. The high level is Teddy Ruxpin… and he’s got a LOT to say.
• Adolescent Mutant Ninja Furries: Formerly known as Ninjas. Why stick to just turtles? Your version of Noah’s Ark was a dark, dangerous place.
• Thriller Blood Spiller: Formerly known as Necromancy. Oh, come on! Like YOU wouldn’t make your zombies do the Thriller dance if you could. The best part is we went to a PvP zone and had these guys face off against a side-switched MM’s West Side Story thugs… We’re opening on broadway in two months!
• Special Deliverance: Formerly known as Mercenaries. Red-colored-necks from the deepest woods of the Appalachian mountains loaded down with rifles and shotguns and more chewing tobacco than some small countries. I won’t go into details as to what attack is granted by Tactical Upgrade… but yes… it DOES involve animal noises.