SlickRiptide

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I appreciate the positive feedback.

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The dialog is really well written. I would prefer a bit more prose to bring out the subtleties of the stories and the characters, but great dialog is nothing to sneeze at.

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It's interesting trying to write a story that has no narration. That's more or less what's happening here. It's not a complete success, but it's better than I'd expected. With a bit more thought and planning (I wrote and revised this in around three hours) I can see where a unique sort of story could be developed. I'm sort of afraid that it would turn into "My Dinner With Andre" in the process, which is why I attempted a kind of staccato tempo through most of the story.

The weakness is that all of the emotional content is implied by the dialog instead of described explicitly, and the dialog is deliberately short and choppy. Maybe I'll try something similar in the future and see just how "flowery" the dialog has to become to compensate for the lack of exposition.

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...hmmm...continue?


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Probably not. The last two lines are kind of the point of the story. Anything after that is anti-climax. Heck, the characters don't even have names. Maybe if they get out of their current fix, there'll be an occasion for them cross paths down the road sometime.

Author's Notes: (How's that for pretension,eh?)

This story was inspired when I started wondering how feasible it would be to write a complete story with a beginning, middle, and satsifying conclusion in only one paragraph. It was an amusing challenge, one I don't have the chops for. *heh*

However, it did get me thinking about what kind of a story I could write that would be about one-page long. In the end, it came out closer to three, but I enjoyed the concept so much that I was okay with that. *heh* It's an interesting experiment with using a somewhat different method of story-telling.

I don't think it requires any special explanation, unless the reader simply knows nothing about the Rikti War Zone. In that case, the simple summary is that this is a hero and villain in the aftermath of a team-up against a Rikti installation. Which is which should be obvious.

A Conversation In The Dark

"It's hot down here."

"You said that already. Several times."

"It bears repeating."

"Does it? I was pretty sure you got the message across the first time."

"No need to be snippy!"

"So says the woman who is NOT holding a half-ton of rubble up with her shoulders."

"It's not as if I asked you to do it."

"True. Maybe I should let it drop."

"No, now that you mention it, I rather like it where it is."

"I wouldn't be sitting here feeling 'snippy' if you hadn't decided to go nuclear on the whole cavern."

"It took care of the Rikti, didn't it?"

"It nearly took care of ME."

"An unfortunate side effect."

"So you say."

"You mistrust my intentions?"

"'Mistrust' doesn't adequately describe my feelings."

"I am wounded, Sir! Your insinuations are a knife in my heart!"

"I wasn't aware that you have a heart."

"A heart is a liability in certain occupations."

"Then, you must be happy to find yourself unhindered by the burden."

"How long until they come looking for us?"

"Who? Vanguard? My guess is, never. The Grey B-tch doesn't give a damn about her pawns. Casualties in the war zone are the reason they call it a war zone."

"It was Borea who gave you the assignment, wasn't it?"

"True. I did get the impression that she was checking me out as we left HQ. She might eventually wonder what happened to us."

"Humph! What about the members of your secret club? Did you leave a note for them in the tree fort?"

"My base communicator was fried by your EMP blast, just like my base teleporter and my Pocket D gold card."

"A gold card! You ARE quite the celebrity!"

"Comes with the territory."

"So I've heard."

"What about Recluse? Aren't you one of his favorites? Can't you get him to send some help?"

"Alas, no. If the Spider has to waste his attention and resources effecting a rescue then you are, by definition, unworthy of being rescued."

"He figures that if you're the so-called Destined One that Destiny will save you?"

"Let's say he values self-reliance."

"It seems we have no-one else to rely upon."

"Perhaps the mediporter will reach us down here."

"How do you propose we test that theory?"

"I could fry your nervous system. The mediporter would PROBABLY pull you out before you suffered permanent brain damage."

"You mean like the time I caught you escaping from the lockup in Steel Canyon? No, thanks. I like my brains the way they are."

"That WAS a work of art. You have no appreciation of the finesse required to keep all of your vital functions operating at almost normal levels, while still managing to burn out most of your higher mental function."

"I know that I was in a coma for a month."

"Yes, it was sad. My concentration wavered for only an instant and an entire half-hour's worth of artistry was completely undone."

"Would you mind stepping over here for a moment? I can give you a critical review of your artistry and test out your mediport theory at the same time."

"As it happens, this rock is rather comfortable. I believe I'll continue sitting right here."

"Suit yourself. I feel compelled to remind you that putting your theory to the test will likely result in the collapse of our little cavern here, regardless of whether I actually mediported or not."

"True. Perhaps I'll do it anyways."

"Commit suicide? Why?"

"It's my nature to be perverse. You ought to know that by now."

"I'll never understand you."

"Are you still angry?"

"No."

"Yes, you are!"

"Why do you say that?"

"You didn't ask what you should be angry about."

"Okay. So, what if I am?"

"It's a long time to carry a grudge."

"Why did you dump me for Reynolds? Two days before Prom?"

"To hurt you, of course. I saw you looking at the other girls. I needed you to realize what you were risking."

"Then, why did you leave with me that night?"

"To hurt him. He was a jerk."

"That's it?"

"What else were you expecting to hear?"

"..."

"What?"

"Reynolds. He didn't deserve to die that way."

"True. Hardly anyone ever does, though."

"Why did you take the blame for it?"

"I was courageous and I loved you. Idiot."

"If you loved me, why did you treat me so badly?"

"It's my nature to be perverse. I thought you understood that.

"..."

"Well?"

"What?"

"Why did you LET me take the blame for it?"

"... I was a coward and I hated you for breaking my heart."

"At least you're honest about it."

"Things snowballed after the police came to my house and arrested you. Everyone was calling me a hero, even though I hadn't done anything. It was like everyone who heard about it needed to believe I was heroic, and expected me to act like a hero. After a while, it was easier to go along with it than go against it."

"I'm sure the peer pressure was overwhelming."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you."

"Yet, it feels so good..."

"Why did you run to the Rogue Isles?"

"What else was I supposed to do? Rot in the Zig the rest of my life, covering for a boy who valued his own hide more than he valued me? Opportunity knocked. I answered."

"If it's any comfort, I still love you, deep down."

"Surprisingly, that's no comfort at all. I still hate you from the bottom of my soul."

"I wish..."

"Don't."

"..."

"It IS funny how things work out."

"What do you mean?"

"If you'd been heroic enough to take responsibility for your actions, it would have been me interning at D.A.T.A. on a Longbow scholarship, and you would have been in the Zig when Recluse orchestrated the big breakout."

"So, we'd be..."

"Yes."

"..."

"..."

"It's hot down here."

"I know."

To: Angela Thomas(catlover@seattle_internet.org)
From: Roger Thomas(code_jockey@yahoo.com)
Date: 06/14/2004 02:25:32

Dear Angie;

I'm sitting here worrying about Michael, unable to sleep at 1AM thanks to the jet lag. At least if I was sleeping I wouldn't be wondering fruitlessly over and over what's happened to him.

I'm writing you from Michael's apartment. After I phoned from the Paragon City airport, I caught a taxi into town and booked a hotel room like I told you I would. It's probably a perfectly nice accomodation. My preoccupation with Michael's failure to respond to my letter or to any telephone calls made the place seem oppressive. I wanted to be anywhere else just then, doing anything other than visiting a strange city looking for my wayward cousin.

You know I like to walk around and explore when I'm on business trips. I've heard enough stories about the streets of Paragon that I judged it to be a bad idea at 11pm in this town. Instead, I hailed a cab, with the intention of finding a late-night movie or maybe a jazz-club that would be relatively quiet, yet filled with the comforting presence of fellow jazz-heads.

I'm not sure why I did it. When the cabbie asked "Where to?", I had reached into my pocket for my wallet. Instead of requesting some nearby entertainment, I pulled out the paper with Michael's address and handed it to the cabbie. Twenty minutes later, I was standing in front of Elm Court Apartments.

The apartment house looks to be an older building that was remodeled after the War. It looks like something from the sixties on the outside. The owners had upgraded it to appeal to the "hero community". Video surveillance. The latest Crey Home Security voice and hand-print recognition hardware. The works. Sadly for the residents, you still can't fight human nature. I had no trouble entering the building as some garishly dressed folks were leaving. One woman, whose hero uniform left very little to the imagination, even held the door for me and wished me a good evening. I made a note to razz Michael about his neighbors, assuming I actually saw him soon.

I found Michael's door and discovered why the residents were a bit lackluster about security. Instead of a key, the doors here use electronic combination locks. If you don't know the code, you can't open it. Likewise, the door turns out to be re-inforced with a metal core that's lightweight but strong as steel. (I'm quoting the rental materials I found in Michael's desk now.) Basically, once you got into the building, it would still take a small platoon to get into any particular apartment. I shudder to think what he must be paying for this place.

There was no answer to my knock. I hadn't expected one. If Michael was home, I'd have been sleeping soundly in Seattle, your arms wrapped reassuringly around me, instead of standing in a hallway wondering what I should do next. Waking up the neighbors at midnight seemed like a bad idea; I suppose even superheros need their beauty sleep. I needed to make some sort of plan before someone noticed a strange person hanging about and started asking what the heck I was doing there.

I was saved embarassment by Michael's predictability. On impulse, I typed "Dumbledore" on the keypad. The lock clicked. I turned the knob and entered the apartment.

I won't bore you with the details of my search. I spent an hour going through the place. My letter was lying on a table. He'd read it, apparently. There's food in the cupboards for a week (I'm sure he meant to thank you for that!). Otherwise, I haven't found any clue as to what he did or how long he was here before he dropped off the face of the earth. The bed has been slept in, but not recently, I think. I'm going to do a more thorough search tomorrow, and question the manager. I'll also examine his PC to see if I can at least figure out the last time he used it. For now, I'm finally getting sleepy. Talking to you always helps when I'm stressed; even if you're not really here to listen, it seems.

I'm going to sleep here tonight; it's not like Michael is here to object! I'll call in the morning, or at least text you and let you know that I'm okay and how to reach me.

Sleep well, Darling, and don't worry. I'm sure that we'll get this figured out one way or another.

Love always,

Roger

(( Reply to mine, or "send" an update on Grav. I'm easy. I figure that with something like this, that people will be inspired to play as you go along. In essence, it's a cooperative story, where two or more people are each providing their own perspective of the events. ))

May 30, 2004
Castle Rock

>Uncle Jim! How are you guys up there in Maine? Mom called
>and told me you got internet now, congrats.

My Lord, Boy, you make it sound like the stone age out here. The Thompsons up the road just got this great invention, called a "frigerator", keeps food cold so you can eat it two days after you kill it! Can you imagine? *snort*

Maybe you should ask your mother about why I decided to spend my "golden years" living in the woods a half-day's drive from anywhere, so's that I have to get my Internet from a satellite? Maybe not; less said to her about that, the better, I reckon.

>I hsven't seen you in forever. Katie give up smoking yet?
>We should throw a party when she finally does, right?

She's going to outlive all of us, Boy. She's tougher'n any cancer that might be hiding in a cigarette. You can keep pressin' her but don't be surprised if she lights up and blows smoke in your face when you see her.

>Well, except for the villains. Obviously, though, that's why
>I'm here!

I hope you know what you're doin', Boy. In my day, they used guns and knives. They didn't shoot fire out of their noses.

>I'm registered as Gravity's Enforcer. You know I wasn't
>always the imaginative guy out there. Although the few guys
>I knoe, heroes and citizens, mostly in the apartment, call
>me Grav. I like that, maybe I can lie and say that's my
>registered name.

"Enforcer?" That sounds like hit man or something. You going to beat up people who defy the law of gravity?

You stick with "Grav". That sounds a lot more like someone you can trust.

>Nah, mom would kill me for something like that. Very strict,
>y'know?

You know I love your mom, but trust me when I say that what she don't know ain't gonna hurt her.

>I don't have much news other than I'm registered. I still
>don't even have a costume, that's what I'm doing tomorrow.

'Slong as you're not running around in your underwear. "The clothes make the man" applies to superheroes even more than it does to reg'lar type folks.

Listen, Blake; I know a feller you should look up. He's a cop; name's Brogan. Jose Brogan. Used to work out of Philly. Don't ask how I know him. Just tell him that "Freightyard" sent you and is calling in a favor.

> Call mom if you will.

I'll call her and tell her all about you flyin' around the city in your underwear, nabbin' bank robbers 'n' sech. In the meantime, they got this new invention, called a "cellar" phone or some such. Us backwoods hicks never seen 'em before, but I wager you could probably get one there in the big city an' do your own callin'! *eyeroll* (Yeah, we even hear interweb slang out here in the woods sometimes!)

>That's me though, right?

You're a pistol, Boy, no doubt about it. I expect you to tread lightly at first. More'n one would be hero's ended up in a morgue cause he bit off more'n he could chew.

You watch after yourself out there, "Grav", and I'll see that someone watches after your mom.

"Uncle" Jim

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Don't get me wrong, this will be wonderful if you can pull it off. Just seems a little mind-boggling to me.

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(( Only one way to find out. ))

((Whatever you like. I had assumed that the initial conversation would branch out pretty quickly. In particular, email tends to get CC'ed to many people with the resulting soap opera when someone misunderstands a nuance. I have to admit that Brust and Bull's _Freedom and Neccesity_ is the only epistolary novel I've read, but using that as an example - in addition to letters, the story was also told via journal entries and newspaper notices when strict letter writing wasn't quite sufficient to illustrate some event. In the twenty-first century, email, forum postings, blogs, clips of television or radio news reports, even You-tube videos might serve the same function. The point of the style is that the story is told by the protagonists each from his own point of view and generally in the past tense, as said protagonist is relating the events to another person in some way.

If it isn't obvious, the setting of this opening letter is the launch of CoH. "Stateman's Call". That means, for instance, that the Fifth Column are still around and that Sister Psyche is still cohabiting with Aurora Borealis. Technically, it was a time when capes were still banned, in honor of Hero 1 and Omega Team. *heh* Do with that as you will. Capes weren't available in-game until Issue 1 or 2, I forget now. Have to research that!

In terms of villains, I don't think it's strictly neccesary that every letter be a reply to something that's gone before. New ones should be popping up regularly. Any "new" chains that appear should be obviously related in some fashion to what's gone before, is all. It might well turn out that a successful thread along these lines would have multiple storylines that intersect at various times and places, rather than a single over-arching storyline. Hypothetically speaking, you might see a villain planning some major piece of villainny, while the hero(es) follows a trail of clues, leading to a clash between them. The results of that clash might be worked out between the parties writing those characters, then the results reported in character from their independent points of view. ))

Tropic;

You might want to take a look at the stylesheet for "Just Another Night's Work". I was reading it in IE7. The inside border of the page was cutting off the last 3-4 characters of every line that was line-wrapped.

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Also the ending where the boy relates what happened to Stahlkreiger's mother didn't bother me so much. I acutally was kinda releived you killed her off and let her find a sort of peace.

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See, I didn't see that as finding any kind of peace. In fact, this is Paragon City we're talking about. I wonder what Stahlkrieger would do or feel if his path took him through that part of King's Row some day and he discovered that his mother's insane spirit is still waiting in that little apartment...

May 28, 2004
Seattle

Hey, Cuz!

Figured I'd drop you a line and see how you're settling into your new digs! Don't mind the jet lag. It'll help you get oriented for those angsty moonlight crime-stomping patrols! Ha ha!

Seriously, I envy you! Here I am, stuck in a cube every day and working my butt off for $20/hour while you're running around saving the world! (How many more exclamation points can I put into this letter??!!!)

Let me know if you need any money. Yeah, I know you're determined to make it on your own, but that's what family's for. Besides, Tony bet me twenty bucks that you'd be back home in a month. He's holding your old mechanic job open; that's how sure he is!

Don't be a stranger just because you're a big-time superhero now! (I can't believe I just wrote those words!) We expect to get weekly reports. Liam's writing a report about it for school, so you gotta do your part to make him look good!

Have you settled on a super-hero name yet? 20/20 did a whole piece about Paragon City the other day and they made a big deal about how there are so many new recruits answering "Statesman's Call" that they've been having fistfights about people stealing each other's names. Some of these new heroes even want the city to release the names of heroes who died fighting the Rikti so that they can be re-used! It boggles the mind! Can you imagine what people here would do if someone tried to take the name of Thunderbird and just forget everything he did for Seattle? People never cease to amaze me.

Then again, anybody who wants to put on a costume and fight crime is crazy anyway, am I right? Yeah, Cuz, that means YOU! Ha ha!

Angela says hello, and make sure you're eating right. Liam wants an autographed picture of Statesman. Ha ha! You're his buddy by now, aren't you? *grin*

Oh, and make sure you write your mom and dad. The "rebel for a cause" routine is all well and good, but they've got good reasons to be worried about this little phase of yours. Best way to win 'em over is to show 'em that you're taking care of yourself and learning the ropes instead of plowing head first into something that'll get you killed.

I've enclosed a $100 gift card to Super Mart. Think of it as a house-warming gift. Angela is worried that you won't buy any groceries. Me, I'm just worried you'll spend it all on beer!

All kidding aside, we worry about you, but you've always known what you were doing in the past, and I figure you haven't gone completely psycho yet. If you DO end up coming home, we aren't going to think any less of you for it. Heck, just leaving town to give it a try is more than I would ever do!

That's it for now. I expect to see your name on the news any day now because you saved the world from a criminal mastermind or something! At the least you've gotta give me some good stories to tell the gang down at the Unicorn on Friday nights.

Your ever-lovin' cousin,

Roger

Interesting origin story. Good job on capturing the "feel" of a willpower hero, as well as the idea that the obsessiveness that "powers" her has eclipsed all other emotions in her life.

Shadowdancer really needs a few years of intensive therapy, but what hero doesn't? Maybe someday she'll discover that it isn't revenge that drives her, but a deep-seated desire to rescue the child who lost her family and her life in an instant. Saving a child in similar straights might symbolically allow her to finally move past the event that effectively "killed" her and allow her to truly begin living again.

Of course, she might not be Shadowdancer any more after that!

Thanks! I actually enjoy reading this one myself. *heh* I've read more than one interview with an author where they say that they wrote a story because it was something they wanted to read and nobody else had written it.

That's pretty much the case with this one.

I included an appearance by King because I think he must occasionally stop and smell the roses, so to speak. However desperate life in the Row is, there are the moments of peace and joy also. I'd think he must sometimes look in on those and draw some strength to carry on from them.

Speaking of roses, I don't really know the story of the rose; whether it's my story to write or someone else's. It's just one of those little mysteries of the Row, for now.

I guess this is a double post, but enough time has passed that I can't edit the previous one.

I'm curious about something I see pretty regularly.

My Ill/Rad draws a weapon and activates Enervating Field.

If it's a one-handed weapon (e.g. undead axe), he does the normal two-fisted overhand animation. The weapon turns sideways along with the right hand and goes along for the ride.

If it's a two-handed weapon (e.g. nemesis staff or gabriel's hammer), he grabs the weapon with both hands and performs the normal attack animation for that weapon, with the green cloud seeming to appear at the end of the weapon but, I'm guessing, really appearing wherever it normally appears.

Why does the two-handed weapon override the default power animation? Are there any interesting implications arising from the fact that the two-handed weapon's animation CAN override the default animation?

*choke* heh, okay. I can't speak for anyone else here, but I'm not champing at the bit to kill someone else's character. Nice that you're flexible, though.

The "use" I'm talking about is sort of like if a scene took place in a post office and a "Most Wanted" list happened to describe a villain that was unnamed in the story but very obviously resembled a character in another person's story.

The fun for me is seeing who notices, but I can see where the owner might feel like being consulted first regardless.

When I was committing Legacy of a Space Ranger to electrons, I reached a point where I tried several different ways to setup a transition I needed to make. During the process of diddling with this and that, it amused me to imagine what a character from another story in this forum would think of the events I was writing about. When I settled on the transition I wanted to use, I wrote in an appearance of that character as a bit of fun.

I've got another story cooking, and I was considering writing in a cameo by a different character. It occurred to me that while I might like it as a kind of "in the know" gimmick, that the owners of those characters might not.

Note that I'm talking what you could call "background color" or an "easter egg", not a "guest shot". Writing ABOUT someone else's character is something that you ought to have their permission for, I'd think.

Hence, the general question - How would you feel about cameos? Like it? Hate it? Don't care?

Has Joey wondered at all how he ended up with the demon's powers? Is there a "Joey" running around someplace with the demon's mind running him?

This story is perfect. Bravo!

I see by your handle that it's probably a story inspired by one of your in-game heroes. I'd like to recommend that you think about Derek as the "hero" here and consider where else this might take you. This is a great way to explore a side of the game that we take for granted and seldom think about, yet one which is really quite important from the in-game lore standpoint.

IMO, the length was right, the story was right. As I said, Leese may be the superhero, but Derek is the protagonist; the "hero" of the story. We don't really need to know more than that about Leese, at least not from this narrator and setting.

I'd be really interested to hear more about Derek's stories and/or those of the other origin-related organizations.

I liked this story. You clearly spent a lot of time on the background of the characters involved and had them pretty thoroughly laid out before you started.

Overall, it worked for me. Someone already mentioned the business of callling people by their archetypes. That's an easy correction to make. I didn't actually find it all that jarring.

Since you're looking for feedback:

I never really got a good sense of revenge-seeking from Stahlkrieger, but that may be partly because you were pretty true to the idea of him being a machine with a soul. Essentially, his emotional range is limited.

I applaud you for using several tried-and-true tropes of the genre (Like the arrival of Lord Recluse to collect Scorpion) and playing them straight while avoiding making them overly corny. I think the best compliment I can give you is that, except for one thing, the story was believable from beginning to end.

The one thing I questioned was the ending. It's a nice twist; I certainly didn't expect it. It's an interesting close, because of the promise of more to come. However, I'd question whether Bryan would really reboot Kevin like that. Scorpion made it pretty clear that Kevin is dead and gone. Unlike Stahlkrieger, Lumbering Cadaver is just that - a giant animated corpse, no different in nature than one of Doc Vahzilok's cadavers. When he returned to King's Row, I expected him to bury what was left of Kevin.

Then again, maybe that just shows how far Stahlkrieger has fallen from being Bryan.

In retrospect, I think I'd also say that I found the story of the boys' mother to be unnecesarily horrible. I realize that the story paints a pretty bleak picture of King's Row. Overly bleak, IMO, but everyone has their own idea of what The Row is like. It just seemed to me that the horrifying ending of the boys' mother didn't add anything that wasn't already present in the story by the fact that "Bryan's mother died broken-hearted waiting for her boys to someday return home". Her life was already bad enough, given that the day representing the triumph of everything she'd worked for turned out instead to be the worst possible thing that could ever have happened to her. Her life was a ruin from beginning to end. Basically, it was a downer, where the "down", for me, didn't bring anything to the table except horror for its own sake.

That was good. It read like real comic book and not like "this is a vanity project for my supergroup." Nice work.

This idea gets the Artiste's Seal of Approval.

It's clever.
It fills a need that the playerbase has wanted filled for a good long time.
It builds upon existing game mechanics.
It builds upon existing game lore. I'm not entirely convinced that Wyvern would be so willing to be a party to such an arrangement, but I've no problem at all with Hero Corp being the "back door" to the Rogue Isles. That, at least, fits the game lore perfectly.

Great suggestion.

Not to derail the thread, but since you asked:

An explanation

A malto-meal commercial, not THE malto-meal commercial

Let's just say I was showing my age and leave it at that...

Good stuff, Maynard!

Thanks for the kind words, Gryphon. I have a better understanding now of what professional writers mean when they say that they wrote a story because it insisted on being written.