I'M SORRY, I HAVEN'T A BLUE
TRANSCRIPT MARCH 16th 2006
VO:
We present I'm sorry, I haven't a blue. The antidote to Superhero MMO games. At the piano is DJ Zero and your chairman is Rockjaw.
ROCKJAW:
Hello and welcome to I'm sorry, I Haven't a Blue. This week you join us in Founders Falls a quiet city location of with much to fascinate the curious visitor.
By Victorian times, Founders Falls was growing rapidly and horse-drawn trams were introduced. However, with the construction of the Terra Volta power station in 1888, these old, slow conveyances were adapted to run on electricity. It was amazing how they speeded up when the horses had 240 volts shoved through them.
Founders Falls is rightly proud of its association with Isambard Bumtease the Third, who's celebrated for creating S.S. Boomtown - the Paragon branch of the 5th Column ex-servicemen's club. Bumtease also designed Valor Suspension Bridge. Completed in 1864, locals were amazed to see construction workers hanging over the side in baskets high above the water, and it was later decided that they would look better planted with geraniums.
This area's most famous attraction is Tate Paragon, the art gallery on the site of the old Founders Prison. During renovation work, evidence of the former use of the building was discovered in the form of a slopping-out bucket which had lain un-emptied for a century. A workmen dragged the fetid bucket out into the main hall, where it promptly won that year's Turner Prize. A strange piece of art, maybe, but one judged by critics to be particularly fine, as the flies follow you around the room. The gallery was founded by the philanthropist Henry Tate, who made his millions selling sugar cubes. A statue of him in front of the gallery recently needed urgent restoration work...after the teeth fell out. Attempting to gain wider appeal, the Tate has expanded in recent years, with Tate Talos, Tate Eden, Tate Faultline, and their touring show, Tate That. For much of the architecture in this area we have to thank master builder Thomas Cubitt. Many of his buildings are now offices, including the headquarters of the Office for National Statistics, which are just 1.765 stones throws away.
Peace reigned here until the Rikti invasion, when Paragon superheroes under Statesman used the town as a base from which to attack nearby locations. He ordered the sacking of Faultline, when the entire town was reduced to a miserable pile of rubble. Later, funds were provided for reconstruction, and work is expected to start soon. It was from here that Statesman and his group south to fight the Battle of Crey's Folly. Statesman lost...and so were forced to keep it. At that time, balls of wool were hung on the walls to protect them from cannon fire. This proved largely ineffective, as the Rikti hurled large numbers of playful kittens to bat them away.
Sister Psyche, the famous mentalist, was born in here. As a small child, she was associated with many mysterious events, such as causing furniture to fly into the air, much to the annoyance of her mother, who was sitting in an armchair at the time. It's recorded that she went through the roof! Sister Psyche later began foretelling future events, and is said to have predicted the Great Plague of London, the Charge of the Light Brigade, and even the Rikti invasion. However, there was one all too predictable disaster she unaccountably missed. Let's meet the teams...
To my left is Black Scorpion and Scirocco and to my right is Positron and Manticore.
And, please welcome a lady who has been on my right hand for many years now, it's the delightful Avatea.
Lets kick off with a musical round called Swanee Kazoo, where the teams combine the soothing lilt of the swanee whistle with the chirpy rasp of the kazoo. Ah yes - the swanee whistle and the kazoo - two instruments that go together like a horse and marriage... Piano accompaniment will be provided by DJ Zero. PocketD has recently been promoting mediaeval minstrels. The public health people say that if they catch them selling out of date chocolate again, they'll prosecute. Listeners may also be interested to learn that the piano is far from being Zero's only instrument. As a banjo player, he is noted for his unusual picking style... no matter how many times he's told to use a hanky.
THE TEAMS NOW PERFORM ONE SONG EACH. BLACK SCORPION AND SCIROCCO PLAY 'TIPTOE THROUGH THE TULIPS' WHILST POSITRON AND MANTICORE PERFORM A RENDITION OF PERTULA CLARKS 'DOWNTOWN'. OBVIOUSLY THIS CAN'T BE CAPTURED IN A WRITTEN TRANSCRIPT.
Well, that was lovely... at least that's what it says on my card. We're going to play another musical round... (off to the producer) Another? Oh well. We're going to play another musical round now and the teams are going to sing for us. If they don't make this an absolute humdinger, then they're not the women I thought they were. Avatea has made one of her customary visits to the gramaphone library, where she runs errands for the kindly old archivists, such as nipping out to fetch their sandwiches. There favourite treat is cheese with homemade chutney, but they never object when she palms them off with relish.
I can see she is ready now at the turntable and eager to gives the discs a spin so you should sing along to the record when, at my signal, Avatea turns the music down. You must continue singing and if, when the record returns, you are within a nat's crotchett of the original I shall be awarding points... Now listen, this is rediculous. I haven't awarded a single solitary point since Hero 1 died. And as for Avatea, she hasn't scored in a decade.
POSITRON:
Oh yes she has.
ROCKJAW:
And what do points mean anyway?
THE AUDIENCE:
Prizes!
ROCKJAW:
Shut up! This week's prize is guaranteed to delight every keen ornithologist who wants to keep his birds' feet snug and dry - it's this lovely pair of cuckoo clogs. OK, we'll start with you MANTICORE.
THE PANEL TAKE IT IN TURNS TO PERFORM:
MANTACORE: Poison Arrow
BLACK SCORPIAN: Sing Something Simple
POSITRON: She's Electric
SCIROCCO: Wind Beneath my Wings
ROCKJAW:
Let's explore, now, the rich tapestry that is the English language. The game is a test of the teams' knowledge of Similes. Do you know, there are some ignorant souls who don't know the difference between a 'simile' and a 'metaphor'. Well, the difference is easy: a 'simile' is a figure of speech that expresses the resemblance of one thing to another by reference to an unrelated subject, whereas a 'metaphor' is a system of signaling using flags. I want the teams to take it in turns to read out example of similies. SCIROCCO, lets start with you.
SCIROCCO:
As camp as... boxing.
MANTACORE:
As black as... your hat, if you happen to be wearing a very black hat on a dark night.
BLACK SCORPIAN:
As brown as... you want my nose to be Lord Recluse.
POSITRON:
As boaring as... The Citidel Taskforce.
SCIROCCO:
As daft as... a PUG with a death wish.
MANTACORE:
As deaf as... ABOUT QUATER PAST THREE!
BLACK SCORPIAN:
As nutty as... squirrel droppings.
POSITRON:
As naked as... a Northern lad going out for the night in the middle of winter.
SCIROCCO:
As cold as... an ice controler's jackstrap.
MANTACORE:
As drunk as... possible.
BLACK SCORPIAN:
As plain as... non self-raising flour.
POSITRON:
As pretty as... Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen thinks he is.
SCIROCCO:
As quiet as... the gravy.
MANTACORE:
As flat as... the Devouring Earth.
BLACK SCORPIAN:
As slippery as... a well-buttered ice rink.
POSITRON:
As high as... a giraffe's vasectomy.
SCIROCCO:
As long as... he needs me.
ROCKJAW:
This is all being taped you know. What a waste of perfectly good magnetism... I can't help but notice that the Science Fiction revival is all the rage these days. With the Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy movie, and Doctor Who back on TV, what a rare treat it is for fans of the futuristic 1970s. Of course, the great gimick of the time-travelling Doctor Who is his Police Box, which appears larger on the inside than it actually is on the outside. This is a technically brilliant special effect learnt from studying the Barratt Homes' catalogue. Actually, serious research scientists constantly grapple to achieve time travel. They should come and sit where I'm sitting. That'll take them back four or five decades for a start.
In the next round the teams will assume the role of actors to reprise some famout two handers however, one of the parts has been cast as an alien... Hmmm... Ok, the first scene is from the start of Brief Encounter and it's to feature POSITRON as Doctor Who in the Trevor Howard role and MANTACORE as a Dalek in the Celia Johnson role. OK, away you go.
POSITRON:
Can I help you
MANTACORE (with Dalek voice):
Oh no, please. It's only something in my eye.
POSITRON:
Please let me look I happen to be the Doctor.
MANTACORE (with Dalek voice):
That's very kind of you.
POSITRON:
Turn around to the light please. Now look up. Now look down.. Keep still.
MANTACORE (with Dalek voice):
What a relief, it was agonising.
POSITRON:
It looks like a bit of grit.
MANTACORE (with Dalek voice):
But when the express went through... thank you very much indeed, how lucky that you happened to be here.
POSITRON:
Anybody could have done it.
MANTACORE (with Dalek voice):
Never mind, you did and I am most greatful.
POSITRON:
There's my train, I must go, Goodbye.
MANTACORE (with Dalek voice):
Goodbye!
THERE IS A ROUND OF APPLAUSE AT THE END OF THIS.
ROCKJAW:
The other team, you will be performing a scene from the importance of being Earnist, featuring BLACK SCORPIAN as Obi Wan Kenobi playing Jack Worthing and SCIROCCO as Darth Vader, playing the part of Lady Bracknell.
BLACK SCORPIAN:
I have lost both my parents.
SCIROCCO (with heavy Darth Vader breathing):
Both, that seams like carelessness. Who was your father.
BLACK SCORPIAN:
I'm afraid I don't really know. The fact is Lady Bracknell, I said I had lost both my parents, they seam to have lost me. I was... well. I was found.
SCIROCCO:
Found?
BLACK SCORPIAN:
The late Mr Thomas Cardew an old gentlemen of a very kindly and generous disposition found me and gave me the name of worthing, because he happend to have a ticket for worthing at the time.
SCIROCCO:
Where did the charitable gentleman who had a ticket for this fassionable seaside resort find you?
BLACK SCORPIAN:
In a hand bag.
SCIROCCO:
A haaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnd bag!!?
BLACK SCORPIAN:
Yes Lady Bracknell.
SCIROCCO:
Guards, seaze him... And where did this aforementioned Mr Cardiew find you?
BLACK SCORPION:
In the cloakroom at Victoria Station. The Brighton line.
SCIROCCO:
The line is immaterial Mr Worthing. I confess... I am your father.
ROCKJAW:
Let's move on to Sound Charades. Listeners might be interested to learn that this was developed from the old TV show called Give Us A Clue. Then again, they might not. Ours is a spoken version of the original game, where the teams mime to title of songs and films. The past master of the game was, of course, Lionel Blair, who regularly amazed and delighted his team mates with his mime portrayals of the songs and movies of the so-called Blacksploitation genre. Una Stubb's eyes were out on stalks as she witnessed Lionel using his hands on Isaac Hayes' 'Shaft' for two minutes.
Obviously, miming on the wireless would be a silent waste of time, so in our version, the teams speak, thereby transforming the game into a noisy waste of time. BLACK SCORPIAN and SCIROCCO you're to start and your title will be displayed to the audience by the lazer display screen. For listeners at home, here's the mystery voice.
MYSTERY VOICE:
Arsenic & Old Lace. Arsenic & Old Lace.
SCIROCCO:
Well it's a play and a film isn't it.
BLACK SCORPIAN:
And it has 4 words, and it goes like this.
MANTACORE:
What is it?
BLACK SCORPIAN:
It's a play and a film.
POSITRON:
Yeah, but what's it called?
BLACK SCORPIAN:
You boys, we're not falling for that one... Ok, here we go.
Ouch! I just sat on the scisours.
SCIROCCO:
Sorry, I was using them to cut up these discarded Doylies.
POSITRON:
Ah, very good. You tell them MANTICORE.
MANTICORE:
No, no, you can.
POSITRON:
It's Arsenic & Old Lace.
APPLAUSE
ROCKJAW:
Right your turn POSITRON and MANTACORE. Your title is being displayed on the laser display board and here's the mystery voice.
MYSTERY VOICE:
Flog It. Flog It
POSITRON:
OK, 2 words.
MANTICORE:
And it's on TV.
POSITRON:
Excuse me, can I interest you in buying this dead horse?
MANTACORE:
And that's it.
SCIROCCO:
Um.. flogging. Does flogging come in to it?
BLACK SCORPIAN:
Flog it.
APPLAUSE
ROCKJAW:
OK, I see we are fast approaching the end of the show. Avatea has to nip off now, as she's on a training program for her new job in Icon. This evening it's footwear, and Serge has promised to explain shoe sizes, and slipper lengths in the stock room. After that, she has to meet her new base builder who gave her the lowest estimate for some work. She says she was pleased to see his tender won, but was startled when it suddenly grew to twice the size.
And it's time for us to go now too, but before we do there is just time to play a round of Forumites Film Club. The teams have to suggest titles of films that might be popular with members of the forums. POSITRON, can you start.
POSITRON:
The X-Box Men
BLACK SCORPIAN:
The sequel to I Robot - i-Pod
MANTICORE
Indiana Jones & the Temp File of Doom
SCIROCCO:
Log-on's Run
POSITRON:
It's Been A Hard Drive's Night
BLACK SCORPIAN:
The Mouse That Roared
MANTICORE
Bring Me The Web site of Alfredo Garcia
SCIROCCO:
The Switches Of Eastwick
POSITRON:
The Pit & The Pentium
BLACK SCORPIAN:
Oh Brother Printer, Where Art Thou?
MANTICORE
Krakatoa, East of Javascript
SCIROCCO:
Visual Basic Instinct
ROCKJAW:
Ladies and gentlemen, that brings us to the end of the show, and indeed the series. Well, what a series it's been, providing so many memories that will never leave me...at least, not without a long course of expensive therapy. And so, as the Dentufix of time gently secures the top set of destiny, before it's ripped out by the Wurther's Original of doom I notice that it's the end of the show. So, from the teams Avata, myself and the good people of Founders Falls it's Goodbye!
And I didn't try to ruin it by pointing out that it's all made up as you go along....