Can I just say before I begin, that my arc seems to have somehow been corrupted. I mean, it's there, but I now have 5% more data than I did before and a number of the chains seemed to have been broken since the last person played. I saw it had 5% more a few days ago but I thought that was general MA antics randomly adding and taking away data, but now that you tell me what you experienced - especially in the last mission - it sounds like something's wrong. There were some updates I made after the last guy played which I made sure to get the message "LOOK CLOSER has been updated" on, and are still there. Still, some of your experience was still from the arc that he played so I'll get into that:
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Originally Posted by PoliceWoman
I'm a little dubious about the 5-30 level range which seems it would be hard to balance a custom enemy group for.
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As you will have noticed playing the arc, that I used a number of custom groups of Lost. This was originally for story purposes as I wanted the arc missions to go up in level range at the very inception - this was about eight months ago mind you - of the arc, but that idea was scrapped, and has since been replaced with just omitting certain Lost boss enemies (the Eremites and Anchorites, the type of Pariah and Aberrant Ishmael is).
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The contact talks with way too many ellipses, but this may be just her manner of speaking.
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I tried to characterise her as someone who's voice has a general sombre and almost uninterested, yet not tone. And I thought the best way to do that was through frequent pauses, as if it took her time in between phrases to gather the vitality to speak again.
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[-0.01] Phrasing: "carried by the butterfly wings that rest upon her back" - does not make sense as she cannot be carried by the wings if they are resting on her back.
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Oh I see what you mean, I was a bit confused there at first, you're saying that she can't be carried by them if they're just resting there motionless on her back. I was just struggling to find the proper verb to put in there, lie and sit just aren't right...
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[-0.01] Punctuation: "L.anguished" has an extraneous . in it. Possibly this is intentional, but it looks like a typo.
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[reversed change]
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[-0.1] Don't understand: why isn't Abigail my contact instead of the Grimm Fairy? Abigail is telling me what needs to be done, whereas the Grimm Fairy didn't really say anything of substance.
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I can't change contacts

Well...even if I could I wouldn't :P The Grimm Fairy is the heroine in this story, it is ultimately about her (well, it is about Ishmael and Neglect as well, but just as much about her) - apologies for heroes who like things to be about them :P - and put simply Abigail isn't anywhere as near an interesting a character as The Grimm Fairy. Of course, they are complete fabrications of my own - well, the name The Grimm Fairy isn't mine - but Abigail is a footnote at the beginning, a facilitator to the greater tale. And I would argue that what The Grimm Fairy says is far more important than what Abigail says. Sure, Abigail helps you find Ishmael, but it is The Grimm Fairy who gives you an introduction to the main theme surrounding this arc "Neglect".
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(Which seems disingenious considering this is mission 1.)
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metagaming! :P
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Abigail sent me to check out Isaac's fate, why is Grimm Fairy taking my news back to Abigail instead of me? Abigail even said that she had never heard of the Grimm Fairy.
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The Grimm Fairy feels more involved in this story than you know. Plus, she volunteered to deliver news of the Abigail's brother's death to her, would you really argue to keep that macabre task?
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"carrying the cold" sounds awkward, like she's some sort of disease carrier.
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I suppose in a way she is. I thought "carrying" was appropriate here because it's supposed to represent how this cold surrounding her is a burden that she is constantly bearing with her, rather than a light unintentional aura.
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"Suddenly you are struck with a sudden blast of chill" totally makes it sound like the Grimm Fairy is attacking me with an ice blast or something. Consider rephrasing this.
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Consider this, an aura of bitter cold surrounds The Grimm Fairy, and she is moving at such a speed that this aura strikes you like a strong wind. I didn't want to use the word 'wave' because the elongated vowel sound damages the speed I am trying to communicate.
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[-0.01] Phrasing: "Ishmael may very well be the Isaac that is supposedly dead" doesn't scan as a sentence; reword to something like "Ishmael is probably the one responsible for Isaac's death".
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No no no no no no....Isaac didn't die. Well, Isaac metaph- just screw metaphors for now they're only confuse matters XD Isaac didn't die. He became Ishmael. The Words of the Teacher tell you you found a bunch of writings on the Lost at this tenement, three typewritten one handwritten I seem to remember. The Grimm Fairy took these to Abigail. She identified the handwritten as Isaac's. If Ishmael wrote these words, that means Ishmael is Isaac. James told you that Isaac died because in a sense he did, they believe that the human part of you dies when the change overcomes you, which happened to Isaac, at an exponential rate - though that is elaborated on later.
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[-0.1] Inconsistent: in mission 1, Grimm Fairy was too busy to help find Isaac. Now she's available to go to the very place that she didn't have time to check out in mission 1?
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Missing person evolves into crazy Lost prophet rousing the Lost to tear apart the established order. It therefore moves up her priority list :P Not to mmention the fact that this time The Grimm Fairy actually went to meet Abigail. I could tell you stuff that I don't actually mentiond directly in the story at all because I didn't have the space, but that would be pointless XD
(*cough* The Grimm Fairy knew about Ishmael before she sent you anywhere *cough*)
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"You wonder to yourself whether she is smiling at you beneath that barrier of obsidian, perhaps enjoying her ignorance for just a second to the fact that you are unable to see it." I'm afraid I have no idea what this sentence is trying to say? Rephrase to be a little more clear.
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Ok, this does refer to a rather complicated thought process, but I have very complicated thought processes, so I'll try to explain: The Grimm Fairy has a mask that covers her entire face. I refer to this mask as a barrier of obsidian - purely because I think it sounds cool, I do that sometimes - and you are wondering whether she is smiling at you beneath it. But, smiling at you would be an almost pointless action seeing as you can't see her smile. However, she is enjoying her wilful (it is wilful in English (U.K.) btw) ignorance for a moment to the fact that she knows that you can't see her smiling. Errr, yeah that is the simplest way to describe it I think...Ok: She is purposefully ignoring the fact that she knows you can't see her smile so she can smile at you for a second. I think that might make more sense? Put simply, it's complicated. It's just another little mention of human nature's tendency to wilfully delude itself, and underlying theme in this arc.
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[-0.01] Confusing: she told me to check out the Monorail Station, but when I enter the map, I find I'm in some sewers. Perhaps she meant to say that I should check out the sewers below the Monorail Station.
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She said she was going to search the sewers beneath the tenement, and you should search those beneath the Monorail Station. At least, that's what I wrote.
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[-0.01] Punctuation: "it's cries" -> "its cries"
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I have a punctuation thing. Except in academic essays, I refuse to bow to contradictory punctuation method of not putting in the apostrophe indicating ownership in it's.
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Apparently I am meant to be offered the choice to give the Anathema a "mercy-killing" here, but I decide to let it go. (It doesn't seem attackable anyhow, but perhaps there's some way to get it to betray.)
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If I can fix my arc and cut it down a bit I'm going to create a custom enemy that you will be able to kill.
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This map is crazy large for a level 8 mission, though maybe reasonable for a level 30 one.
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:s It's only a Medium.
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Ishmael has had a lot of build-up in the story so far; he may be deserving of a custom bio (currently he has the default Aberrant Eremite description).
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That's something that got changed without me touching it. He did have a custom bio for a while now.
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Not quite sure how this clue is useful for my investigation, but it has some good in-character craziness in it.
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Well when the well-educated CoH player plays this arc they already know the result, so this arc is much less about the investigation, and much more about 'why?'
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[-0.1] Don't understand: mission exit popup says "Ishmael got away", but I clearly defeated him, even took "the Device" from him.
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The Device should say that it broke off during the combat. And the system text says that he disappeared in a flash of light you recognise as teleportation after you defeated.
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"a hint of annoyance, uncharacteristic of her usual melancholic voice" is very awkward sounding. I think I'd just leave it at "a hint of annoyance." I appreciate the attempt to be more descriptive, but I think having too much purple prose is likely to be distracting from the story.
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You're misinterpreting what the story is about :P It isn't about the investigation and defeat of this evil Lost mastermind :P
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[-0.1] Don't understand: "Rescue John" is in my objectives, but I have no idea who John is or why I need to rescue him. I don't think he has been mentioned in the story thus far.
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I was a bit uncertain about this myself. I wanted a personal single hostage to get information from and the rest optionals, but I wasn't sure how to represent that in the objectives - what do you think of "Speak with the Hostages" as an objective instead?
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You might also consider putting the hostages in a "captured" animation (right now they are just standing there nonchalantly).
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Unfortunately these mobs don't have captured animations so I gave them "Bum Slump", the closest thing, but that seems to be another of the things that hasn't stuck.
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[-0.1] Doesn't make sense: "The Final Note" shows "The Pariah" doing a final action, but this actually doesn't work because I got the clue when I rescued John, not when I defeated Ezekiel.
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This is a flaw, which I tried to rectify by putting his spawn at the Front. Didn't seem to have worked though.
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[-0.1] Continuity error: "The Final Note" states that Ezekiel died before our eyes. Also, the debriefing implied that the building collapsed and we fell a long way; there shouldn't be anything Ezekiel could be standing on up there, and I wouldn't think he'd be close enough to taunt us anyway.
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He appeared to die before your eyes. And it doesn't say he's standing, you fell through a certain section of the floor, not the entire floor cleanly fell through. He is lying down because he is still near-death, just peeking his head over the side.
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Also, what if the player were a stone or invuln tanker, or a FF defender, who wouldn't be hurt by falling damage or would be able to put up their own bubbles?
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The Grimm Fairy thought quicker than you :P And I can't exactly write "If you have this powerset you do this" so this is the easier way. But although I will mention this again at the end, point taken.
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Phrasing: the final paragraph of the send-off message spends four lines of text describing Grimm Fairy's right eye, which is (IMHO) a bit overboard on purple prose. I recommend you trim this down a bit.
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I like my prose, which has been called a number of different things by reviewers, I can remember purple from you and flowery from another off the top of my head but I'm sure there were some other descriptions :P I'll take a look at it and see if I think there is anything extraneous, but I like my purple-flower-prose
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Inside the mission, I notice Losts fighting CoT (not quite sure why). There are also some bombs to disarm.
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I thought the Mission Intro mentions this - anyways I assume you noticed through their dialog why this is.
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[-0.01] Phrasing: "Although, I think I can move them, if not affect their fuse" -> not sure what this sentence is trying to say, please rephrase to be more clear.
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Uhh :S I mean The Grimm Fairy thinks she can move the bombs but can't defuse them.
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Defusing the second bomb suddenly triggers another "2 Bombs to Find". Why isn't this just "4 Bombs to Find" at the very start?
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Text space. If I had 600 characters in there it could be one objective, but I don't so I have to make do unfortunately in order to explain the plan. I'll look over it regardless.
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The first bomb of the second wave gives me another clue called "The Bombs", with more telepathic text from Grimm Fairy. I think she now wants to use these bombs to blow up the building and kill the Lost and CoT, which seems a bit mean.
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Nooooooooes! She is saying that she has an idea of how to get out. I mentioned in briefings and clues that a barrier has been erected around the building and you can't escape. But, The Grimm Fairy has a plan to move the bombs into the caves beneath the building and blow a way out where there isn't a barrier. However, she believes that this will have the unfortunate side effect of causing the building the collapse in on itself (there is an optional way out)
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Found and freed two hostages, but "the exits are sealed" so not sure if that helped. This triggers "2 Remaining Hostages to Find" as a new objective. Why isn't this just "4 Hostages to Find" at the very start?
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You should have found a clue from them which will explain :S Unless bad stuff happened to that as well. But yeah, they aren't really you just freeing, it's you finding them so you can escape with them. I think here it isn't text space, it's the progression of the discovery of information. I think, again I'll look into it.
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[-0.5] Frustrating: this mission seems to have excessive chained objectives that don't serve an obvious purpose. Having them be triggered objectives requires the player to backtrack and search in areas that have been previously cleared, in case the new objectives spawned behind her. This is particularly frustrating in a mission on a short timer.
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I thought 30 minutes is a slightly too long timer personally, but I guess it depends on the person.
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[-0.5] You can't have your story arc tell the player "You are dead". That just doesn't work. The player's character is still plainly alive and talking to the contact in the debriefing. No player will be able to suspend their sense of disbelief enough to treat their character as having been killed.
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If a building collapsing in on your character won't kill them then by all means they aren't dead, I mentioned that - but if you fail without putting up the psychic inhibitors the building collapses in on you. And The Grimm Fairy, she is also lost to this world. It is 'GAME OVER' in the arc. I'm not intending to be just stubborn and obstinate, but this is a scenario that threatens your character's life. If when the building collapses in on you you and The Grimm Fairy miraculously survive regardless, that would be a bit cheap, wouldn't you agree?
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Currently the fail message is written in a way that if you fail before a certain point "You are dead" but if you fail after some certain point (which I don't think I reached) then it has some meaningful text. I think this mission either needs to not be timed (and thus not failable) or else the fail dialog needs to make sense in all cases.
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There was optional objectives that you would have been informed about by saving the hostages. (Oh and now that I recall there are supposed to be 3 hostages in total, not 4) If you had completed them the barrier would have been disrupted, you would have escaped with the hostages and the Lost and CoT would have been ticketyboo. If it isn't failable I can't put in the optional objective, which is supposed to be another instance in which your character's morality is tested - like to a lesser extent in Mission 2 - basically posing the question: would you condemn a gang of The Lost to death in order to make certain you escaped, when there was another option.
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[-0.1] Many heroes will have a code against killing that will not allow them to go along with this development in the story.
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Yes, but how far will that code stretch? Ishmael's constantly growing mutation gives him the potential to grow to immeasurable heights in which he would be unstoppable in his domination of the world. You have the option to kill him now while you have the chance. If you ignore this chance he will succeed. If you attempt to capture him you will give him the opportunity for his power will grow to a point where he cannot be contained. What would you do?
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[-0.1] Don't understand: how did I get here? We've been tracking Ishmael for the whole story arc, but no clues lead to a factory. Not sure why I need to destroy transmitters or "Strike the Final Blow" either. (Maybe this is all more obvious if you succeed at mission 4. However, if you allow mission 4 to fail, you need to consider the possibility that the player will continue the story from there, so the story still needs to make sense.)
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You found a number of clues pointing to a "Kings Row Facility" which has been pointed out to you on a map you found in Ezekiel's hands. Strike the Final Blow is due to my arc getting corrupted and the transmitter objectives are like the hostage objectives, I never mentioned there were actually hostages in there. But that's what you find.
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[-0.01] Phrasing: "you were the ones who plied them apart" ... I don't think "plied" has the meaning you want here. Not quite sure what is intended though. (in "Whispers in the Mind (02)")
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I just discovered that that is not what I intended. Sorry, that was a mistake. I meant as if they are separated apart slowly and intentionally.
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Found a Mainframe that gave "The Psychic Transmitters" as a clue, that helps explain what the transmitters are used for in this mission. (Perhaps the Transmitters should be triggered from this objective.)
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I originally had it this way, but I prefer it without the chaining, so you see the transmitters there, and if you don't know why you are supposed to destroy them and are interested you can find the optional clues which will inform you.
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Defeating Ishmael the Prophet completes "Strike the Final Blow". I kind of wonder if Ishmael the Prophet was supposed to be triggered from Isaac Waters, who was triggered from Ish'mael. That would make more logical sense, anyhow.
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Isaac Waters is triggered by Ishmael being reduced to 75% Health, and the ambushes come from 50% and 25%. Ishmael the Prophet is triggered by his death.
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[-0.01] Typo: "wilful" -> "willful" (in "Whispers in Your Mind (08)").
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It's wilful, though I think I mentioned that before.
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[-0.1] Don't understand: how did Grimm Fairy get injured in "The Aftermath"? She wasn't even here!
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System text! System text! System text!
I appreciate you playing my arc, even if the 3 Stars did sting a bit! If I have completely ignored or left unaddressed any of your comments it's because:
A) I have completely taken them into account.
B) They were self-confessed as nitpicky and I didn't agree with them ultimately.
or C) I had addressed a similar or identical point earlier.
I hope you think my arguments are fair, and I will try to recover my arc from the corrupted stage you played it in XD I just hope nobody plays it before I'm able to fix it, because I can't even edit in a disclaimer into the description because it's over the maximum data and I wouldn't be able to republish the change.